04-09-2015, 09:58 AM
Hello, a few comments for you below:
Flying or Falling?
We looked up and
couldn’t see the ceiling.--Nice opening with the title. I think you should give some attention to your line breaks. And in this case is a weak break. I think you're best break is probably on "see" for line one because "the ceiling" gives it all a bit of a layered feel.
I was a little afraid,
afraid of smashing to bits.--I think it's probably stronger without the repetition of "afraid"
But you launched us up anyway,--I think this needs a "had" after you to make the opening make sense.
sure that your love would go on forever--Not bad but there might be a way you could say this with imagery that would make it stronger and more visual.
and maybe
yours did.
When I saw it looming before me,--This is another place you may want to add imagery to give more power to this looming unwanted love.
I tried to pull away.
But you grabbed me closer--There has to be a tighter way to phrase this "clung to me" or some such
and made me sweat worry and
pity and shame for ever wanting to
leave.--Try to condense all of this into not a list of ideas, but an image that conveys it. What is an image for how this made you (the speaker of the poem) feel?
When you shot through a crack in the bedrock,
I hit the cold hard cement,--maybe add after I "was the one that" This is nice.
unable to love past there,--Imagery again, don't tell us show us. This is just to illustrate the partner shot through the crack in the bedrock, the other hit the cement. Then we come to this line If flowers sprung up through the crack that would a possible image to show love persevering in adversity. Just illustrating again not implying what you should use.
and I seem to have
broken my trust
upon
landing.--There are good things to work with here, I think if you push the images more they will draw out the emotional context.
Oh well I wrote a lot. I hope it's helpful and not overwhelming.
Best,
Todd
Flying or Falling?
We looked up and
couldn’t see the ceiling.--Nice opening with the title. I think you should give some attention to your line breaks. And in this case is a weak break. I think you're best break is probably on "see" for line one because "the ceiling" gives it all a bit of a layered feel.
I was a little afraid,
afraid of smashing to bits.--I think it's probably stronger without the repetition of "afraid"
But you launched us up anyway,--I think this needs a "had" after you to make the opening make sense.
sure that your love would go on forever--Not bad but there might be a way you could say this with imagery that would make it stronger and more visual.
and maybe
yours did.
When I saw it looming before me,--This is another place you may want to add imagery to give more power to this looming unwanted love.
I tried to pull away.
But you grabbed me closer--There has to be a tighter way to phrase this "clung to me" or some such
and made me sweat worry and
pity and shame for ever wanting to
leave.--Try to condense all of this into not a list of ideas, but an image that conveys it. What is an image for how this made you (the speaker of the poem) feel?
When you shot through a crack in the bedrock,
I hit the cold hard cement,--maybe add after I "was the one that" This is nice.
unable to love past there,--Imagery again, don't tell us show us. This is just to illustrate the partner shot through the crack in the bedrock, the other hit the cement. Then we come to this line If flowers sprung up through the crack that would a possible image to show love persevering in adversity. Just illustrating again not implying what you should use.
and I seem to have
broken my trust
upon
landing.--There are good things to work with here, I think if you push the images more they will draw out the emotional context.
Oh well I wrote a lot. I hope it's helpful and not overwhelming.
Best,
Todd
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson