Shelf Life (Edit)

[shemthepenman]

hello,


I spent ages writing this big long reply, then my web browser crashed and lost it all :/

Ok, yeah, it was a bit aggressive, wasn't it. And basically a crap critique. I'm not usually like that (the aggressive part anyway - my crap critiques are ten a penny), must have been in a mood (misery enjoys company and all that). However, I am certain if you read between the lines of mean spirited sarcasm I think you could take some small something constructive from my critique.

But anyhow, I am truly sorry. and to make amends, I will give your poem a better crit and the respect it deserves. To err is human... so... er...

Shelf Life - this is a good title which simplifies but still remains interesting. I think, somewhere, you said you didn't like using first lines for titles, but I have found sometimes it is a good thing. Dylan Thomas almost always gave his poems titles of the first line, which I didn't really like at first, until I realised how great his first lines were

Shelf life is magnificent - This is a strong opening.
You never know who's gonna be next -
But it could be me. - 'but' need not be upper cased. and I think 'but' could be cut entirely. These lines sound a bit lazy if not cliche.

(Which makes me "happy") - I have read your explanation for this, and it makes sense and is actually a nice idea. It also isn't as cryptic as it first appeared, only minimal amount of concentration required


Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms
and ancient tombs - yeah, these lines are good. We have the very strong connection between fear of the unkown, death and shelf life.
With far less walking,
which keeps me talking. - 'With' need not be capitalised. These lines do have something about them, but unfortunately they do not hang together with the previous lines. I mean if we cancel down we get, 'shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms... with far less walking' or cancelling down even further 'shelf life is... ominous... with... less walking'. There seems to be something logically wrong with it, and with such an abstract poem those kind of things can be distracting.

Shelf life
is finite
and I often dream
of leaving. - yeah, nice ending.

-MR-

I still recommend giving Chungking Express a watch if you haven't seen it, it deals quite nicely with issues of expirey dates etc.

That was a bit too aggressive to be constructive. But I'm glad you took the time to read it.