04-06-2015, 12:48 AM
(04-04-2015, 08:38 PM)TimeOut Wrote: Wait! Don't fix your line breaks! They are disruptive sure, but they keep the reader involved. IMHO the last line needs the most work. You've drawn us in but drop us off with "cloudy sky". C'mon, this is your chance to hit home. Weak for sure."cloudy sky"....yes, I agree. Thanks for that.
(04-05-2015, 10:49 AM)Jane Hart Wrote: I thought poetry was about metaphor and simile, but you have only one: "With the hesitancy of an upcoming spring [new line] rain [...]". I don't understand the line-break: why? It sounds stilted. Why is spring rain hesitant (in your poem)? Because "spring rain" doesn't want to take the leap away from winter? If so, what is "winter" a metaphor for? Tell us what's going on, please; don't be so pretentiously aloof (or at least give us a clue with a concrete title).Well, one is better than none
How many would you like in such a short poem? As far as "spring rain"...I live in a part of the country where that first rain is there...it almost teases a person. Spits a bit. Mist, maybe. But a rain? Sometimes...what's the word? Oh, yes, it "hesitates" before making an appearance.
And I think you are correct about the title. Thanks. I rarely post my real titles with my poems. Sometimes, but not always. Not in this case. Thanks for your time here. Appreciate all your comments.