04-04-2015, 08:20 PM
(04-03-2015, 05:26 AM)jkprry Wrote: Turritopsis dohrniiWoof. Very heavy. I read it as losing someone to Alzheimer's. I'm sure this topic is something close to your heart, so I'll be gentle with my critique. First, lose "she tries" in parentheses...too abrupt and it takes the reader out of the poem. Really the only problem I have with this poem is the last stanza. Definitely stick with the toilet imagery, but fix those last two lines. Keep toilet, which is a strong enough image and word in itself, but ease up after that. A toilet doesn't waste, it disposes, and in this case, what is it disposing of?
jellyfish bloom,
small moons that draw her mind from the shore,
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory
(she tries)
no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass,
wrinkles left for oversize tees and
hospital smocks
this ocean is a pool
she swirls around,
a toilet wasting everything,
a child splashing