04-04-2015, 02:08 PM
A.H. Lavender's syntactical changes are great , and I agree these verbose lines hold the poem back, BUT there a few things you should definitely keep. First and foremost, "humid blues" is so wonderfully expressive.
There's such a great shift also after S1. I think, and take my opinion with a grain of salt, your punctuation is distracting. You've whipped out not only a semicolon in S2 but then a colon on S3.
One more thing, please change "dragonfly nymphs". It's a too try-hard image and also doesn't make sense contextually in S2. You have all confined? imagery and then you drop nymph which brings the reader immediately out of the poem.
All in all though...so much potential. Can't wait to read the edit and more poems :)
There's such a great shift also after S1. I think, and take my opinion with a grain of salt, your punctuation is distracting. You've whipped out not only a semicolon in S2 but then a colon on S3.
One more thing, please change "dragonfly nymphs". It's a too try-hard image and also doesn't make sense contextually in S2. You have all confined? imagery and then you drop nymph which brings the reader immediately out of the poem.
All in all though...so much potential. Can't wait to read the edit and more poems :)