Baby, It's Cold Down Here

[Wjames]

I'll just look at your edit.

Edit #1

Rejoice you are not here, flat dead
in one of these earthen plots
where they chisel your real eternity I don't know if you need "real".
onto a granite headstone; you could cut "to" as well.
instead we lie, naked and useless,
day in and night out, waiting
as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs I don't know if a paraplegic "fights for legs", unless its with the healthcare system somehow, but I don't think that's what this is about. I can see something like "dreams of legs" working, I can see a paraplegic literally having legs in their dreams.

This is the time to lie down
to watch how a snowflake quickens There are lots of "to's" in this stanza, I think you could change this one to "and".
onto the tongue of your child,
to understand how everything
ends with a single breath, to see
the razor on the counter
and the mirror you look into
every morning and pray to God
for another day to live and breathe

I like it, just a couple things here and there you might want to think about.