04-03-2015, 04:48 PM
Yes yes yes. I love this so much. Really, you have such a unique voice when it comes to such a cliched topic as death. I only offer two comments...
"as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs"
These three lines are too much. They're really the only acknowledgement you give to desires of the living.
Asthmatics: passive
Diabetic: active
Paraplegic: active, but how is he fighting for legs?
These three lines are your chance to hit home, and I think you can provide more cohesive comparisons...just my two cents, but I do think this poem is beautiful.
"as an asthmatic waits for breath,
as a diabetic yearns for insulin,
as a paraplegic fights for legs"
These three lines are too much. They're really the only acknowledgement you give to desires of the living.
Asthmatics: passive
Diabetic: active
Paraplegic: active, but how is he fighting for legs?
These three lines are your chance to hit home, and I think you can provide more cohesive comparisons...just my two cents, but I do think this poem is beautiful.