04-03-2015, 05:19 AM
Supp.
This poem is extremely vague. The only places you use concrete imagery are L2, and I'll give you "white noise" in L9. There is no imagery used in L4-L8,
which is a pretty large span. If you're trying to connect with an audience, it's hard to rely on ambiguous nouns like "sorrow", "ambience", etc. Since those kinds
of words are so broad, everyone has their own experiences, colors and flavors associated with them which makes it hard to identify any single message in
a poem. Not that the words are bad, you just need to clarify them with specific nouns.
For example, when you say "you are free", free like what? Like an eagle? Like The Who? Like Panera wifi?
Sometimes it's easier to start with a certain event and write about that because there are actual details and objects you can deal with,
but with your subject matter, I'm really not too sure about that.
I also have a hard time wrapping my mind around L2 because black typically absorbs light while white reflects it.
All in all your words all sounded really nice together; they just didn't carry enough meaning. ;')
This poem is extremely vague. The only places you use concrete imagery are L2, and I'll give you "white noise" in L9. There is no imagery used in L4-L8,
which is a pretty large span. If you're trying to connect with an audience, it's hard to rely on ambiguous nouns like "sorrow", "ambience", etc. Since those kinds
of words are so broad, everyone has their own experiences, colors and flavors associated with them which makes it hard to identify any single message in
a poem. Not that the words are bad, you just need to clarify them with specific nouns.
For example, when you say "you are free", free like what? Like an eagle? Like The Who? Like Panera wifi?
Sometimes it's easier to start with a certain event and write about that because there are actual details and objects you can deal with,
but with your subject matter, I'm really not too sure about that.
I also have a hard time wrapping my mind around L2 because black typically absorbs light while white reflects it.
All in all your words all sounded really nice together; they just didn't carry enough meaning. ;')