04-01-2015, 03:24 AM
Cyferz,
Tense presents a problem. Possibly solution plus regularize the meter:
I was depressed, but now I’m not;
after the battle has been fought.
The sun rises on a new day
and all of those I've pushed away.
I'll smile and hope that they can see
now once again I am me. (couldn't figure a meter solution for this line)
I'm not saying this is how it should be, but a possibility of how it could look if you work your tenses to better advantage and regularize your meter.
The short and singsong lines with rhyming couplets is probably not the best form for this type of poem (iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets). Maybe going to an ABABCC rhyme pattern would help. Not to be discouraging, but just factual; this is the type of poem you would probably find in an old lady coffee table book.
Dale
Tense presents a problem. Possibly solution plus regularize the meter:
I was depressed, but now I’m not;
after the battle has been fought.
The sun rises on a new day
and all of those I've pushed away.
I'll smile and hope that they can see
now once again I am me. (couldn't figure a meter solution for this line)
I'm not saying this is how it should be, but a possibility of how it could look if you work your tenses to better advantage and regularize your meter.
The short and singsong lines with rhyming couplets is probably not the best form for this type of poem (iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets). Maybe going to an ABABCC rhyme pattern would help. Not to be discouraging, but just factual; this is the type of poem you would probably find in an old lady coffee table book.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.