04-01-2015, 12:24 AM
To me, this is a nice, simple poem that is easily understood and relatable.
However, it's not good as you said. You switched tenses. You used ridiculous phrasing like, "the battle was fought, the sun will rise, FOR A NEW DAY! GLORY BE TO GOD! LONG LIVE THE KING!!"
ya know
It's cool that this just flew through you, but your thoughts and feelings deserve more than overused metaphors. Now that the piece has a form, you should rewrite it to reflect your actual feelings, instead of settling for the first cliche metaphors that popped into your head.
Hope that helps.
However, it's not good as you said. You switched tenses. You used ridiculous phrasing like, "the battle was fought, the sun will rise, FOR A NEW DAY! GLORY BE TO GOD! LONG LIVE THE KING!!"
ya know
It's cool that this just flew through you, but your thoughts and feelings deserve more than overused metaphors. Now that the piece has a form, you should rewrite it to reflect your actual feelings, instead of settling for the first cliche metaphors that popped into your head.
Hope that helps.
keep writing. otherwise our words are wasted.