03-31-2015, 03:16 AM
1. There's a nice voice to this poem. It's clear that you know what you're doing when it comes to how the poem sounds.
2. i found the line, "and ancient tombs!" to be quite awful. this line should be replaced with something totally new imo. it could be made to fit well, but i dont think its worth the consequences to the poem. And just to say i mentioned it, the use of your first exclamation mark on an already ill fitting line comes across as naive and does not reflect your ability as a writer. you could make it work by having it match a previous exclamation mark or with a better setup. but again. i think the whole line should really just be thrown out
3. your use of punctuation to direct the reader is 50/50.
for instance:
However, the '...' in your last paragraph are completely pointless. The poem reads the same way without them. However with them you are breaking the fourth wall. Its a distraction to the reader.
4. "With far less walking..."
Where does this line come from? This is so, so forced. You need a better transition into it.
That's my feedback. Hope it helps.
2. i found the line, "and ancient tombs!" to be quite awful. this line should be replaced with something totally new imo. it could be made to fit well, but i dont think its worth the consequences to the poem. And just to say i mentioned it, the use of your first exclamation mark on an already ill fitting line comes across as naive and does not reflect your ability as a writer. you could make it work by having it match a previous exclamation mark or with a better setup. but again. i think the whole line should really just be thrown out
3. your use of punctuation to direct the reader is 50/50.
for instance:
Quote:(Which makes me "happy")The parentheses really help this line. The line simply wouldn't be the same without them.
However, the '...' in your last paragraph are completely pointless. The poem reads the same way without them. However with them you are breaking the fourth wall. Its a distraction to the reader.
4. "With far less walking..."
Where does this line come from? This is so, so forced. You need a better transition into it.
That's my feedback. Hope it helps.