Reluctant Flower-edit 2 (Erthona, ellajam, Psyche)

[LorettaYoung]

And when her weary spirit failed,
her cry for help was never mailed.

An obvious rhyme that falls short of the poetry above it.  The word mailed was so forced it dropped the beautiful spirit this piece had going for it.  The drop stays consistent with the next few lines until -

Reluctant flower in the glade,
on beds of thorns your petal's strayed;
were ripped to shreds by sharpened blades
then blown to dust in life's parades.

Parades doesn't sit well with me, sticks out somewhat forced and nonsensical.



For me your edit from the first version is spectacular.  I can see where your skill is evidently growing and your message is taking on a more eloquent form of communication.

Hi Psyche: I take the line about not being mailed as a metaphor;  at this point I consider her condition to be such that even the cry for help can't be accomplished. However, I will keep that particular line in my mind, as I myself
was questioning it.  As to parades, I see the various activities in life with parades as a metaphor, I thought of using charades; but kept the original parades as a deeper metaphor; as a parade is usually a positive event, however, ironically, personally I dislike parades and am applying It in the sense that our activities, the choices or way we develop are like a series of parades: education, children, marriage; and in her case her personal parade was obviously negative. Since you are the first to mention it I will await other feedback, but appreciate you're bringing it up. And thank you for you kind remarks about the reedit, I'm glad if it's beginning to be better. Best Loretta