03-29-2015, 02:36 PM
I greatly appreciate you taking the time to review my work! I haven't felt so gratified in years! Thank you very, very much. I'm very, very glad that you liked it.
In response to some of the things you mentioned,
"Why line 4?"
Because It is meant to support the pitiful atmosphere of waiting around for something exciting to take you down from the shelf and buy you. I was trying to address how fragile the human psyche becomes when there's nothing powerful enough to distract it from having an Existential crisis. This game of random chance, sitting around with a big empty grin on your face waiting for someone or something to give you a sense of purpose, this is what makes the character happy. I guess it was supposed to be a dash of satire. Or perhaps absurdity.
"While I like the line 5-6 rhyme, the 7-8 was a bit much.
Why is line 8 necessary?"
Sitting around in this way requires minimal effort, and hence, the far less walking. The "which keeps me talking" is what happens when you cease to recognize the value of empiricism, and start reasoning to a fault. It is meant to be a pathetic, yet almost hilarious, justification for adopting this 'shelf life.'
"The 'shelf life' metaphor is presented earlier as real life;
so why demote it in line 11? It breaks the poem's logical rhythm
which is its main strength."
I'm actually having difficulty understanding precisely what you mean here, for I never intended the shelf-life metaphor to be presented as real life, and believe you may be on to something that I myself have missed, something very important that could help me further understand what I have created here.
My "Shelf life" is supposed to imply living a detached life, one that is not purpose driven, and by one who lacks the will to take the Existential responsibility to find purpose. It's like an artificial replication of ordinary life, hence the distinction. But I have a feeling that you interpreted it a different way that I might like better, so please do elaborate.
I apologize if me needing to clarify a few things came off as ungrateful or stubborn, I assure you this is not the case, I am just a big fan of sorting out ideas and communicating different views to try and find out more about the topic. I just really want to discuss it, and share my intentions, to see if that changes your views, or perhaps even reinforces them, so that my views might undergo a similar transformation.
Truly, deeply, I appreciate your review. It was absolutely a joy to read it, and to be critiqued. Thank you.
In response to some of the things you mentioned,
"Why line 4?"
Because It is meant to support the pitiful atmosphere of waiting around for something exciting to take you down from the shelf and buy you. I was trying to address how fragile the human psyche becomes when there's nothing powerful enough to distract it from having an Existential crisis. This game of random chance, sitting around with a big empty grin on your face waiting for someone or something to give you a sense of purpose, this is what makes the character happy. I guess it was supposed to be a dash of satire. Or perhaps absurdity.
"While I like the line 5-6 rhyme, the 7-8 was a bit much.
Why is line 8 necessary?"
Sitting around in this way requires minimal effort, and hence, the far less walking. The "which keeps me talking" is what happens when you cease to recognize the value of empiricism, and start reasoning to a fault. It is meant to be a pathetic, yet almost hilarious, justification for adopting this 'shelf life.'
"The 'shelf life' metaphor is presented earlier as real life;
so why demote it in line 11? It breaks the poem's logical rhythm
which is its main strength."
I'm actually having difficulty understanding precisely what you mean here, for I never intended the shelf-life metaphor to be presented as real life, and believe you may be on to something that I myself have missed, something very important that could help me further understand what I have created here.
My "Shelf life" is supposed to imply living a detached life, one that is not purpose driven, and by one who lacks the will to take the Existential responsibility to find purpose. It's like an artificial replication of ordinary life, hence the distinction. But I have a feeling that you interpreted it a different way that I might like better, so please do elaborate.
I apologize if me needing to clarify a few things came off as ungrateful or stubborn, I assure you this is not the case, I am just a big fan of sorting out ideas and communicating different views to try and find out more about the topic. I just really want to discuss it, and share my intentions, to see if that changes your views, or perhaps even reinforces them, so that my views might undergo a similar transformation.
Truly, deeply, I appreciate your review. It was absolutely a joy to read it, and to be critiqued. Thank you.