Shelf Life (Edit)

[rayheinrich]

Emotivism

1 Shelf life is magnificent
2 You never know who's gonna to be next -
3 But it could be me.

4 (Which makes me "happy")

5 Shelf life is as ominous as ill-lit rooms,
6 and ancient tombs!
7 With far less walking...
8 ...which keeps me talking.

9 Shelf life
10 ...is as finite
11 ....as the real thing
12 ...and I often dream
13 of leaving.

Of course, I would have to look at more of your writing,
but as far as I tell right now, it's in the top 10% of the poems you'll
find on this site. There are people here who can help you get it into
the top 5%.

And of the poem: I love how you snatched it from the jaws of cliché!
Its phrasing, its topology, all those mechanics helped; but its cunning
irony's what won me over.

That said here are a few things that got my attention:

Why line 4?

While I like the line 5-6 rhyme, the 7-8 was a bit much.
Why is line 8 necessary?

The 'shelf life' metaphor is presented earlier as real life;
so why demote it in line 11? It breaks the poem's logical rhythm
which is its main strength.

Not rewriting so much as editing:

Shelf life
...is finite
...I often dream
of leaving.

or something like that, but you get the idea.

These are a fine few words.
I thank the gods of tersity for your existence.