03-29-2015, 11:44 AM
And when her weary spirit failed,
her cry for help was never mailed.
An obvious rhyme that falls short of the poetry above it. The word mailed was so forced it dropped the beautiful spirit this piece had going for it. The drop stays consistent with the next few lines until -
Reluctant flower in the glade,
on beds of thorns your petal's strayed;
were ripped to shreds by sharpened blades
then blown to dust in life's parades.
Parades doesn't sit well with me, sticks out somewhat forced and nonsensical.
For me your edit from the first version is spectacular. I can see where your skill is evidently growing and your message is taking on a more eloquent form of communication.
her cry for help was never mailed.
An obvious rhyme that falls short of the poetry above it. The word mailed was so forced it dropped the beautiful spirit this piece had going for it. The drop stays consistent with the next few lines until -
Reluctant flower in the glade,
on beds of thorns your petal's strayed;
were ripped to shreds by sharpened blades
then blown to dust in life's parades.
Parades doesn't sit well with me, sticks out somewhat forced and nonsensical.
For me your edit from the first version is spectacular. I can see where your skill is evidently growing and your message is taking on a more eloquent form of communication.