03-29-2015, 10:40 AM
S1L4: I think you could remove "under control" and just say "spun by". You also might want to reconsider "spinning" in S1L4 since it is so close to "spun".
S1: The "always breathing" "always pounding" repetition works really well, and reads really great out loud also.
S2L2: Semicolon after "tyres"?
S2L9: It seems like this line should start another stanza because it seems to stray a bit from the lines above. Also, I interpret those last four lines as you realizing the distance between you and your father, but I feel like there should be some transition between this and running after the ice cream van.
(if that is even what you were going for. ahhh. aha.)
S3L4: mivvis?
S4L1: care / dog-hair is really forced. This whole line comes off pathetic in a bad way.
S4L2: This line also reads forced.
S4L4: You might consider "house of habit". It's just to me the "in a / with a" starts to sound sing-songy. But I do like the personification, so I'll leave it entirely up to your feels.
S4L6: Such an excellent end. Very smart. You could add this element to the S2 or S3. I think it might be interesting to have a more gradual transition from the child breathing to the house breathing. Maybe child-parent-house or something like that.
I also think it may behoove you to strike a little more on the smell/taste sensory details in here, since you have some strong ones: the inhaler, the ice cream, and the cigarettes. I think this is especially true of poems with such distinct memory. It could really help strengthen the reader's connection. (Smells calling up instantaneous memories and powerful responses blah blah Science Daily.) Just something about childhood and smells, right? The part about the ice cream van really struck a chord for me. Also, I was on the fence at first, but I like where the lines get a little short, like S2L5,6,7,8 because it reads like it's short of breath.
Carry on! I like this poem. The more I read it the more I find.
S1: The "always breathing" "always pounding" repetition works really well, and reads really great out loud also.
S2L2: Semicolon after "tyres"?
S2L9: It seems like this line should start another stanza because it seems to stray a bit from the lines above. Also, I interpret those last four lines as you realizing the distance between you and your father, but I feel like there should be some transition between this and running after the ice cream van.
(if that is even what you were going for. ahhh. aha.)
S3L4: mivvis?
S4L1: care / dog-hair is really forced. This whole line comes off pathetic in a bad way.
S4L2: This line also reads forced.
S4L4: You might consider "house of habit". It's just to me the "in a / with a" starts to sound sing-songy. But I do like the personification, so I'll leave it entirely up to your feels.
S4L6: Such an excellent end. Very smart. You could add this element to the S2 or S3. I think it might be interesting to have a more gradual transition from the child breathing to the house breathing. Maybe child-parent-house or something like that.
I also think it may behoove you to strike a little more on the smell/taste sensory details in here, since you have some strong ones: the inhaler, the ice cream, and the cigarettes. I think this is especially true of poems with such distinct memory. It could really help strengthen the reader's connection. (Smells calling up instantaneous memories and powerful responses blah blah Science Daily.) Just something about childhood and smells, right? The part about the ice cream van really struck a chord for me. Also, I was on the fence at first, but I like where the lines get a little short, like S2L5,6,7,8 because it reads like it's short of breath.
Carry on! I like this poem. The more I read it the more I find.