Reluctant Flower-edit 2 (Erthona, ellajam, Psyche)

[LorettaYoung]

Loretta,

The first thing is you have obviously expanded the poem. The second is that the lines are more regular. I still find "where" instead of "were" in the penultimate line to be disruptive. Some of the new lines don't really seem to follow.

"Friends called her 'freak' and 'flower child';
they though her color choices wild."              ("though" should be "thought")

It doesn't really make much sense to me that they would call her a "freak" because of her color choices. "Flower Child" in the 60's was not necessarily derogative and that was pretty much the only time frame it was used in reference to, were as "freak" was a word used in the 70's to describe a more edgier hippy. However it has been commonly used outside of that time period to mean something derogative, such as sideshow freaks. Pairing the two together leads to a time discrepancy, thus causing even more confusion than for the reason stated above.

In other lines, or line groupings it is difficult to relate it/them to the poem.

"On vans were painted "Jesus saves";
throughout the land passed silent graves."

What passed "silent graves"? Nothing before these two lines seems to answer that question, yet the answer does not seem to be contained herein. Actually, the way it is worded, it almost seems as though the "land passed silent graves", but then again, what does that have to do with the vans?  

Overall, you seem to be doing what I used to do and can still sometimes fall into if I am not very inspired. In order to fulfill the meter and rhyme you are putting in a lot of needless verbiage that does not advance, nor enhance the poem in any way. I know you are trying to flesh out the picture, which is good, but for every 1/3 that contributes to the poem, you have added in 2/3's that is just filler. This is not a good thing, but it is also not uncommon when one first starts working with formal poetry. Regardless, you were able to stick to your pattern throughout and as this is fairly long, had you not been able to recognize the pattern well, there would have been errors. The next step is to learn how to fulfill the needs of the pattern while still making every word count.
Still, it is easy to see you are making progress. Keep it up. I look forward to your next effort.

Dale

Hi Dale; Yes to were and thought. You probably are right about the time discrepancy in most cases. I do know a woman though, and others who are ten years older than I that were called flower children; probably not freak.
What about unique or offbeat; words more common. I remember vans with Jesus save painted on them. Why does that not relate to the era? I do think the second line could be more precise though. She wandered many roads, declining with time. Are there, I will pick my brain to see if I can find any pictures not connected; but remember some of it is symbolic; she may have taken a trip to sea; the raft sinking is a metaphor for her life.

What about, vans............That traveled far by silent graves?

Of course, I don't want irrelevant words roads, I tried to keep the stanzas equal in lines.. was trying to repair shallowness with a painted picture. Do you think I need to delete or/and incorate to 8 lines each stanza; that they would relate as you think require some thought. I think getting the poem right, interesting and readable is more inspiring than the topic. I have spent many hours reworking it. In the early 60's they were beatniks; yes; out in the burbs perhaps that and unique or offbeat, as personalities.

Thanks very much Dale, you suggestion very thought provoking. I will make the changes you suggest, think of relatebility and what may be filler. Please consider though; that some of the instances are metaphorical or symbolic; like lost at sea.  Am always open to suggestions, especially though provokers.

Many thanks, much appreciate, Best Loretta