03-27-2015, 08:24 AM
Wow, this is a good edit and with only 4 lines added. What a difference.
"Goosebumps" is a nice touch that adds a feeling to the trip as well as the visuals.
And the last line brings it back to being a shared experience which you used so well in the first two stanzas.
Just one point about the repitition of 'first', it's in there three times. I like it on the last line because it links back to the first line. Perhaps the one on the second line could be changed. It's not a must though.
Great edit, cheers for the read,
Mark
"Goosebumps" is a nice touch that adds a feeling to the trip as well as the visuals.
And the last line brings it back to being a shared experience which you used so well in the first two stanzas.
Just one point about the repitition of 'first', it's in there three times. I like it on the last line because it links back to the first line. Perhaps the one on the second line could be changed. It's not a must though.
Great edit, cheers for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie