Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

[/b][/b]

Hi loretta,
as you edit the piece less obvious (or less important) problems appear. It does not help the editing process if  we change everything at once...and anyway, I only make suggestions to exemplify. It will always be your poem.
Regarding the penultimate line. It is in a rhyming couplet with the last line. Syllables are not everything, emphases matter, too. You are quite right, the  penultimate line has 10 syllables. Why is it, then short? Because its coupled line, the last, has 11 You do the same thing in the first couplet of the fifth stanza...again, the error is caused by not considering emphases.

"You objected to "virgine", thought fresh pressed had some sound; but you find the point "so what"; " I do not fully understand what this means but not to be churlish, I suspect that you are noting my objection to the technicality of the term "virgin wine", so you changed it to "fresh pressed wine" because it sounded good(?)...we call that grape juice and it tastes of grapes. What else would one expect grapes to taste of? Why mention it ? What is your point? Look, up there, is that grapes I see on that grape vine...if we taste a few I bet they taste of grapes. Anyway, where was I....oh yes, the sun is shining on the face of grace and here comes Eros... tralla tralla, I did it my way...oh , he's gone again. Ah well, back to unfolding time.
It is not as if you cannot summon up really enviable, imaginative imagery because you do...over and over again; but without linkage and connectivity you present a slide show, not a movie. You WILL get better, even on your own. Read more poetry. I would also suggest that you dive in to the Poetry Practice Exercise boards on this site. Meter is discussed in some depth as well as rhyme...and remember, cans does not rhyme wi
Best,
Tom

Hi tectak, yes, now I see your point about syllables. The last line is so because its' the way it would be said; the inversion I don't find distracting; I wanted the last line to mirror the opening line. If the inversion and off syllable count is a problem I will have to rewrite the last two lines. I redid S2, L4, and change eroding (please tell me why you hate that word), and why life or a marathon can't unfold.

The WHOLE point of going through life is that we Observe (behold), taste, Love (Eros songs lure to embrace a face of grace).  Where did Eros come in, symbolism for love. Is life, the marathon unfolding what: obtuse, trite? Doesn't life unfold as you go along. I do see linkage between the good and bad throughout, we start how, we grow up, we observe (behold), TASTE, in this case sweet wine, are seduced by tempting gardens we may get hurt by  and, we love hopefully, Eros imagery for that I think, the marathon draws near end, hence age, a dark season, perhaps by grace lightened. Remember, I spoke to harvesting the fruits of life. I do see linkage, and some order, probably a better, more experience poet would do it with more precision. Something else to work on.

It is true; I rewrite a line to fit the couplets other rhyme; why; because I am slow, so I depend on the rhyme knowing it would take me time to rewrite both lines to fit. You suggested a good line in S1,L2 completely off the cuff. I can't do that. (Still like "what you reap rests right on": I hear alliteration and play on words, or I could have said what you reap rests on right attitude, a little less for contemplation that way. Anyway your line is good,

And, do you mean by easy rhyme, eg. "you"?  I have been reading the writes and crits in Novice, started the serious, reading I mean; very interesting.

Thank you again tectak
Best, slow Loretta