Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

Marathon- edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

Approach the race with love and gratitude,'
that what you reap rests right on attitude. "for what you reap is sown by attitude" If that is what you mean.
Some run the race with body, heart and soul,
and know clear choice and chance affect the goal. knowing clear choice and chance affect the goal, or it is just too andy. I am now under your spell and am unsure what sport I am in...running or football.

While tasting fruits we harvest what we need;
truth is some place along the path we'll bleed. I give up....see end
Then gather all your strength to sprint anew, Then is a filler word. Everything that follows is "then". It is lazy. Try something like " Forgather all your strength...." or " Best gather all your strength..."
so trails and winding winds will brighten you. "so" is a weak and conditional filler word which is just wrong as used here. Lose it. Stick an adjective in front of "trails" to enrich the image...steep, wild etc. Now, "winding"? Is that your best shot. It can be pronounced two ways but either way makes little sense. Dreadfully simplistic and forced rhyme. Try not rhyming with the previous line. Write the second line of the couplet then make the previous line rhyme with it. It is your poem, you are in charge.

In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date seeking romance.
We climb tall mountains striving for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens that screen scars. Much better put but I still do not know what is, or who is, or why the scars...but of course...silly me...scars RHYMES with stars. You, Loretta, seek meaning after rhyming...and you will not admit it. Let me assure you, we have ALL done it. I would bet that if you wrote "We climb our ( all mountains are tall, that is why they are called mountains) mountains striving for the stars and pass seductive gardens in our cars" you would argue deep metaphorical intent. It does not work here...any more than having a garden in your car would; but you would say that, wouldn't you?

Observe the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips tastes sweet like fresh pressed wine. Again, I am obliged to comment...yes, I see the grapes on the grape vine but my flabber is not gasted to discover that of all things they taste like sweet wine. So what?
The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
which Eros' songs of love lure to embrace. I still do not know where Eros fits in to all of this...he seems to have made a surprise guest appearance, sang a song then buggered off again.

Keeping pace, the marathon unfolding,
our days of life are racing to eroding. No. I am going to  sleeping
Escape from self, we think, and try to run, "Escape from self, we think..." so you are not sure?
but time speaks to our legs, that can't be done. Loretta, thy legs be done, on earth as they are in heaven. Nonsense. Unless you can make this and the previous stanza salient, I would just drop them both

Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path.
A bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
Yet God may come to shatter that season, Still short. "with" not "by" on next line. No comma.
by grace, our love and gratitude the reason. The rhyme has forced this inversion. It reads very awkwardly.
" God brings the season to a thankful close;
we call it grace, but in life's race, who knows?" Your poem but surely better to end with a finishing line than a weather report?


Betta Loretta, but still a bit of a marathon. You use very easy rhymes and force the poem to accomodate them. I believe that this is the main reason your couplets seem nonsensical and isolated.
tectak

One more try.
"....truth is somewhere along the path; we'll bleed"
"...truth is somewhere; along the path we'll bleed"
but NOT:
"...truth is somewhere along the path we'll bleed"

Finally, if you find it worthwhile to read/present your poetry to curry opinion...do not read it to friends or relatives (especially intelligent daughters) because they will all say " Yes, dear, that's very  nice...."
Read it in the bus to standing passengers, read it to the Big Issue seller, read it through the window of the motorist stuck in a traffic jam....or post it here

Hi Tectak: The essence of the marathon is at first a suggestion of how to race; then going along finding the good and bad. I though "reap rest right" to have some alliteration and make the point, as the winds of life wind. You objected to "virgine", thought fresh pressed had some sound; but you find the point "so what"; am just trying to show some pleasure along the road, failing at doing it poetically obviously. Eros is the God of love; suggesting finding it, again not obviously poetic. Time speaks to my leg, they won't run; getting late in the marathon and running is now hard. Nex to last line "short"? It has 10 syllables.

It occurs to me tectak that each of your crits focuses on a different section of a line in many cases. This makes me feel that in order to be better it must be written by a better writer, or later, if I get better. "Betta" is good, thanks. I will make the changes on edit 2 and think about a whole new different approach later.  The daughter feels free to criticize and has.  Many thanks for much input, help and time. Best Loretta


Marathon-edit 1 (ellijam, Bena, billy, tectak)

Incline the race to love and gratefulness,
that rugged roads not end in emptiness.

Some run the race with body, heart and soul,
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.

While tasting fruits we harvest what we need,
though truth lay somewhere along the path we'll bleed.

In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date seeking romance.

We climb tall mountains striving for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens hiding scars.

Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine,
that to our lips tastes sweet like virgin wine.

The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
which Eros songs of love lure to embrace.

Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding
our days of life are racing to eroding.

Someone is chasing you, you look around;
you Are that shadow, longing to be found.

Escape from self, the thought, how can I hide,
when mental stress persists; my body fried.

Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightening strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come to shatter that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul,
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date in velvet pants.
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars.
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine.
The morning sun shines on a face of grace
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place.
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide;
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come, to dispossess that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

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