03-25-2015, 11:40 AM
(03-23-2015, 12:24 PM)jkprry Wrote: Ugh. 'flat dead' is wonderful.Your line by line is VERY helpful. Thank you so much. Glad you liked "flat dead"...and I'm dead serious.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.
S1L7,8,9: While all three lines prove your point, they just seem excessive. L7&L9 lend themselves to your burial imagery, but L8 has to be splinted between them. L9 is the most useless / pointless, so I think it lends itself the best.
S2L2,3: 'statistic's stacked on top of each other was a bit jarring.
S2L10: 'sharp razor' redundant?
S2L11,12: 'pray to God for another day' is quite cliche. And compared to the attitude of S2, this could have more bite.
S2: Ah! I love the cheekiness in the middle, off-shooting into 'b12 and pizzerias'. (How saucy!) I also like how quickly this read in relation to being an offhand statistic.
But, in the handful of your poems that I have read (a very small handful), I've noticed that you become verbose in order to keep your flow. For example, S1L2 could be completely omitted, save 'in'. While I recognize the value in 'rest of us', the phrase has a pretty full skirt! There is also a bit of this in S2L1 and S2L11&12.
But oooh, flat dead. Flat dead.
(03-25-2015, 09:35 AM)Camsterdam Wrote: I thought this was an good poem in the way that people are so delicate, and yet so expandable. However there was one thing that threw me off, and that was the use of "statistic" twice. I couldn't offer any suggestions on how that might be changed. Another thing i did like was how relatable, yet serious, some of the topics listed are.
Statistic(s) used twice comment is well taken. Thanks. Appreciate it.