Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

I have been answering you for four hours, twice my answers disappeared; if it happens again I'm going to......
I though I applied many of your suggestions; I have done much more, now lost, will try once again. How could I not listen to you?

L1-Approach the race with love and gratefulness - assuming the race include other things I used the word incline as lean to these things suggesting there ARE others.
l2-thinking
L3-Some run the race with body, heart and soul
L4-where spirit and mere chance affect the goal
L5-While tasting fruits we harvest what we need. The fruits of life, bitter and sweet, along the road, we harvest and reap and gather our needs while we are tasting and harvesting.
L6-truth is somewhere along the road we'll bleed. Although we gather fruits and need; still there is loss and wound and trouble, BLEED is a metaphor for that trouble.
L7-In paper pants we waddle, then we dance
L8-then speed to our next date seeking romance.
L9-We climb tall mountains striving for the stars
L10-and stroll seductive gardens thriving with scars. I assume, hope to, that its gardens thriving with scars
L11-Observe the ripened grapes upon the vine. I think behold is the best word, observe kind of weal? What's the
big problem with Behold??????
L12-that to our lips tastes sweet as fresh pressed wine
L13-The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
L14-Which Eros songs of love lure to embrace. This line goes with the line above. His songs lure to embrace the face of grace. Also, the marathon is long.....does include a rest, the quest for pleasure, beauty, meaning.
L15-Keeping pace, the marathon unfolding: Eternal and time to my mind is not itty bitty but a deep subject
L16-our days of life are racing to eroding. Racing is to something, and time takes it toll to eroding.
L17-Someone is chasing you, you look around;
L18-You are that shadow, longing to be found.  A psychological concept in metaphor that we loose our self sometimes in life; a reason people seek therapy, the word chase is part of a race; A person casts a shadow behind themselves; this is symbolism that the shadow is the self behind longing to be found.  Too complicated? Then I will delete it. My psy. and Phil. training does influence my perceptions, and I see poetry.  Too abstract or obtuse?
or can you see the point?
L19-Escape from self, the thought, how can I hide
L20-when mental stress persists; my body fried.  Escape from self again: aren't there folks who wish to run away from things like compulsion, anger, evil. Fried is common American slang for exhausted; and I do like speaking to common people. However, you may consider these topics too obtuse or abstract, although not in my mind with a background of psy. and phil. I will omit these lines if you think they do not apply or speak to my philosophy.
Could I say "my body cried", ironically speaking of an exhausted body.
L21-Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path
L22-a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
L23-But God may come to shatter that season (don't know what's wrong with but), could say Still or Yet
L24-by grace, our love and gratefulness the reason - I'm not preaching, relating love and gratefulness to the first line. I would write on all perspectives, with the least judgment possible.

Thanks again tectak for this very educational crit. Let me know if you think I should delete L17-20, if I have made progress without compromise. Best Loretta

Hi loretta,
I know I make light of things but please think no less of me if I ask...is english your first language? Your word use is often just plain wrong. Even in your response above you say things like "bleed is a metaphor for that trouble"...bleed is NOT a noun...except in unusual circumstances and not here. You mean "bleeding is a metaphor for trouble" or "blood is a metaphor for trouble". You say "I assume, hope to, that its gardens thriving with scars" but I cannot get the sense out of "thriving with scars". Do you mean "thriving THOUGH scarred". You say "when mental stress persists; my body fried.", but that is two tenses. Do you mean "when mental stress persists, my body fries"? You say "I think behold is the best word, observe kind of weal?" What on earth do you mean? "Observe kind of weal"? It is all just too muddled.
I am trying to feel your thinking but find it irksome and difficult. Do you READ your work OUT LOUD to hear what you have written? Reading in your head will not work...your mind corrects errors faster than you think them and covers them up.
You do write with a poetic lean (sop to your first line )but it seems so personal that you cannot clarify it without destroying whatever it is that leads your thoughts. If you keep trying so will I.
So will we all.

Behold,
tectak.

Hi Tectak: Yes, English first language (BUT not proper English, but do you understand it. Yes, English is my first language; scored very high on SAT;s: but not my area of study. I can write a proper letter, or research paper; but that's not what I am trying to do. I can see where the tenses don't match. However, if one fall off a mountain while on a marathon he will bleed, for sure. Bleed to death, from internal and external pain physically and emotionally.I
know I have bled and will bleed somewhere sometime along the road; everyone does, I haven't focused much on nouns and verbs but not loosing lyricism, imagery, symbolism; even if the English is not perfect; does it inhibit
the readability, the point and rhythm, perhaps some symbolism.

I did not mean to put the word striving in there; definitely the wrong word in every way. I would say, "and stroll seductive gardens of lurking scars", or secret scars, or gardens hiding scars, But, it throws off meter and sound and flow to add of to make it a proper sentence when I think seductive anything can hold lurking scars and can be
read as that. Why would someone hide scars strolling a garden; makes no senses, but A seduction has hidden scars. That's the point without sacrificing meter or flow.-

Yes persists and fried are two tenses: hence the semicolon; two things occur; one, persists, implies continuance. While fried means already done. A fried body and persisting stress to deal with; how can I hide. it makes the point to me; maintains the flow, meter, rhyme. If I wrote all perfect sentences I would feel like I was writing a story. Perhaps I can't do it all now.

Observe weak I meant. I have some dramatic tendencies. You do as well, "I am Hurricane", very dramatic, But you have been doing this for how many years? And me, maybe 16 months.

I have read it aloud, so has my daughter who studied literature and poetry; she understood every point; as well as did other intelligent people. 

The poem was a trainwreck; you helped me make it much better, I think, although I don't expect perfection in all things to anywhere near your or the other accomplished and learned poets here. Shall I delete lines 17-20. Did my psy. background add any interest in the loss of self area.  Is your shadow not a part of your self.

All in all am doing my best, to be honest, and I agree that I am incompetent in many areas. I do hope it is readable, at least a bit lyrical, poetic, flowing, of interest at this point. I will think about tenses and incorporating them into the meter and rhyme more efficiently. And I am VERY grateful for all you input and suggestions. Best Loretta