My First Post

[shemthepenman]

Hello

here goes...

Hello all,
This is my first post.  Thanks ahead for your honest feedback.

UNTITLED - I heard once that 'untitled' is the most ubiquitous title there is. In which case not only is it lazy but it is also unoriginal. When I see 'untitled' at the top of a poem, it is an omen.
Years have past
Leaders have changed
Old song, old movies - ok so, I have quickly scanned it, and you are not using punctuation to its fullest. You have [some] commas but only one full-stop. Either use punctuation or don't. Also, 'old songs' plural, surely?
Smile in the morning while rain is falling - This is a nice line, as long as it is refering to the previous line, but because of the lack of punctuation, who knows? Also, don't be affraid to use articles. Maybe try 'while the rain is falling', it gives it a more concrete feeling. It is often an amateur mistake to think that removing articles suddenly makes something more poetic. It doesn't, at all.
Cup of tea, with dried fruit - again, although the lack of indefinite article here isn't such a big deal, it does add an element of confusion about tense and person. In fact, up to this point there isn't a person or a tense. I am just getting random images floating in space that have a tenuous connection, at best.
Moon and book are friends together - You haven't established any subject, or time or... anything. I infer that this has something to do with reading at night but because there is no subject, no perspective, it is just crap.
Dark and light are connected - em... yeah, they are :/
Knowledge is my neighbor - aha! at last a determiner! And it is you. And...
Tower in the city - ...again, if the lack of punctuation is really intended here, then this line combined with the last is very good!
Turn on the radio like lullaby at night - yeah this is all very nice, but random.
Quiet nature makes my spirit awake - meaningless.
Opened the window to welcome the wind -'I I I I I opened the window!!!!' it is really annoying that you are seemingly trying to escape your own poem.
Ghost-like music, whisper to my ears
Unknown words make my day complete - meaningless.
Empty bottle full of memories - yep, this does sound like you were drunk when you wrote it. But, to be fair, although this is an awful line you are playing around with words and it could be worse.
Body cold, borrowing feathers and wings - At first I thought this was an overly poetic way of saying you got into bed... but then, why 'borrowing'? In which case it's lost on me.
Angry world - em... :/
Don’t steal my breath away
Voices in the ocean - meaningless.
Messenger from the mountains - meaningless.
Myth of love, stars gave us - half meaningless.
Mother Earth keep me in your warm embrace.


*this reminds me of that scene from Waiting for Guffman: "People say, You must have been the class clown. And I say, No, I wasn't. But I sat next to the class clown, and I studied him."

By Daroma

yeah, this sounds like how someone thinks a poem should sound. But in all honesty it isn't that bad. A lot of it really doesn't make much sense, this line doesn't relate to that line, punctuation is out the window, there were some mild cliches in there, blah blah; but I really do get a sense that you are on a learning curve (that is just my impression from this one poem), and you do have something to say. My suggestion would be, try to keep the spirit of the poem (growing old and facing death - and the kind of banality of that process 'drinking tea, being no wiser [knowledge is a neighbour - best lines in the poem 'knowledge is my neighbour / tower in the city' great line and really great in the context of the poem (I am just a little concerned it may have been by accident)], not wanting to die, but wanting to be safe after death, nature and humanity... etc.) but get rid of your preconceived ideas about how poetry should sound.

ps. I have re-evaluated my criticism of '