Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

nMarathon-edit 1 (ellijam, Bena, billy, tectak)

Incline the race to love and gratefulness, Why this obtuse use of "incline"? Why not use a clearly intended word. Do you mean a hill, an intention, an instruction? Surely, as an instruction, you are saying " steer the race to..." ; if a hill "Race up the hill to love and happiness..."; if an intention " Inclined to race to love and gratefulness...". Whatever...it is convoluted english and I am still unsure what you are trying to say. If you can explain...then I will say to you, "Then put it in the poem"
that rugged roads not end in emptiness. Pedantically, plural roads end not in emptiness. Still clunky

Some run the race with body, heart and soul, repeat of race.
where spirit and mere chance define the goal. You make the metaphor paramount...but for how long?

While tasting fruits we harvest what we need, Is this from another poem? What is it doing in your metaphor. It is a glottal stop disconnect....and statementally is bald. I think...yes, so what?
though truth lay somewhere along the path we'll bleed. What has this line got to do with the line above apart from the fascile rhyme of need and bleed. Why would you, we or the path bleed? It is also wrongly emphasised and half a foot to long.You could get back in to your own metaphor something like this:
"We stop to taste the fruit, eat what we need,
forgetting in our haste to plant new seed"

In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date seeking romance. YES! Clarity! Oh Joy!

We climb tall mountains striving for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens hiding scars. Do "we (xx xx xx xxx, xx xx) hide scars" or is the garden scarred?

Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine, Still hate the pretentiously arcane use of Behold! when astounded to find grapes on a vine. Wow.
that to our lips tastes sweet like virgin wine. Still have no idea what virgin wine is. Undrunk? Once drunk, virgins do tend to scarcity.

The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
which Eros songs of love lure to embrace. Oh  come on Loretta. Quite apart fom the jumping around of metaphorical musings (what happened to the race?)  do you mean Eros' songs? or " a song of Eros, lures a  love embrace"

Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding Horrible hackneyed cliche
our days of life are racing to eroding. Horrible synax ending up in Gerund Cul de Sac to create an easy ing- ing rhyme. Have you any idea how many words end in ing..and you chose eroding?? even "...racing BUT eroding" would be better but just as
purposeless. You are in danger of itty-bitty thinking.
Someone is chasing you, you look around;
you Are that shadow, longing to be found. What means this? How the hell did we get here?Why is are capitalised? Do you want to italicise it for emphasis? Then just type sq. brackets i sq.brackets followed by [/i]. I have to type it out otherwise it will italicise!

Escape from self, the thought, how can I hide,
when mental stress persists; my body fried. AAaarRRGGGH! FRIED? FRIED? Semicolons, tense shifts, meaningless. Drop this stanza and tell me the poem would suffer.

Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path, 5
a bolt of lightening strikes with satan's wrath.5
But God may come to shatter that season,5 but emphases compromised
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.5 1/2 ...but that, and this closing stanza, is another story

hi Loretta
I would not spend any time on critting this if it were not  for your  willingness to listen and my arrogance in assuming you would listen to me
It wanders  about. It is not a marathon...it is orienteering. Your thoughts are burgeoning. Keep on route, keep on message.
Best,
tectak

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul,
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date in velvet pants.
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars.
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine.
The morning sun shines on a face of grace
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place.
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide;
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come, to dispossess that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

[/b][/b]

I have been answering you for four hours, twice my answers disappeared; if it happens again I'm going to......
I though I applied many of your suggestions; I have done much more, now lost, will try once again. How could I not listen to you?

L1-Approach the race with love and gratefulness - assuming the race include other things I used the word incline as lean to these things suggesting there ARE others. Better because you are now instructing the runners, NOT the race.
l2-thinking
L3-Some run the race with body, heart and soul
L4-where spirit and mere chance affect the goal
L5-While tasting fruits we harvest what we need. The fruits of life, bitter and sweet, along the road, we harvest and reap and gather our needs while we are tasting and harvesting.
L6-truth is somewhere along the road we'll bleed. Although we gather fruits and need; still there is loss and wound and trouble, BLEED is a metaphor for that trouble. We taste the fruit and harvest what we need. Pricked by the thorn, whilst seeking truth we bleed.......or something not involving bleeding a bleedin' road
L7-In paper pants we waddle, then we dance
L8-then speed to our next date seeking romance. YES
L9-We climb tall mountains striving for the stars YES. Shoot for the stars was far more metaphorically acceptable during the space race than "climb a mountain AND then shoot at a star"
L10-and stroll seductive gardens hiding scars. Seductive gardens hide scars. No implication here that the strollee
is hiding scars, yet, seduction certainly can.[b] Aha! You are wrong...this is part of the problem of clarity. What you write is " We climb and we stroll." Note that the subject is "we". So, whatever else you write will be thrown back on your subject unless you punctuate to clarity. You have written " We climb and stroll hiding scars". Simplicity. " We climb tall mountains striving for the stars and stroll, seduced by gardens hiding scars." Can you see the subtle difference?
L11-Observe the ripened grapes upon the vine. I think behold is the best word, observe kind of weal? What's the
big problem with Behold??????When did you last hear or say "behold" in ANY contemporary setting? What is wrong with "see", or "look at"? Striving to be poetic is not poetic...and I still do not know what "observe kind of weal" means.
L12-that to our lips tastes sweet as fresh pressed wine
L13-The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
L14-Which Eros songs of love lure to embrace. This line goes with the line above. Yes, but it makes NO sense gramatically. Which Eros songs ?
" The sunlight bright upon a face of grace,
makes Eros sing; his lure to love's embrace."His songs lure to embrace the face of grace. Also, the marathon is long.....does include a rest, the quest for pleasure, beauty, meaning.
L15-Keeping pace, the marathon unfolding: Eternal and time to my mind is not itty bitty but a deep subject
L16-our days of life are racing to eroding. Racing is to something, and time takes it toll to eroding. You cannot " go to eroding" but you could say "our days of life are racing whilst/yet/but/though/and eroding." You simply cannot race "to" a verb in any meaningfull way. I need to go to sleeping.
L17-Someone is chasing you, you look around;
L18-You are that shadow, longing to be found.  A psychological concept in metaphor that we loose our self sometimes in life; a reason people seek therapy, the word chase is part of a race; A person casts a shadow behind themselves; this is symbolism that the shadow is the self behind longing to be found.  Too complicated? Then I will delete it. My psy. and Phil. training does influence my perceptions, and I see poetry.  Too abstract or obtuse? Agreed. It is a concept in a metaphor in a concept. Ditch it and rescue it later for another poem.
or can you see the point?
L19-Escape from self, the thought, how can I hide
L20-when mental stress persists; my body fried.  Escape from self again: aren't there folks who wish to run away from things like compulsion, anger, evil. Fried is common American slang for exhausted; and I do like speaking to common people. However, you may consider these topics too obtuse or abstract, although not in my mind with a background of psy. and phil. I will omit these lines if you think they do not apply or speak to my philosophy. I am very much afraid that your background may be the problem in that psychology and philisophy fight. Dale (erthona) would have much to say on this. Are you there, dale?
Could I say "my body cried", ironically speaking of an exhausted body.
Escaping self, I ponder where to turn?
Mental stress persists and I feel my body burn. Your poem. Keep it simple, keep it real


L21-Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path
L22-a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
L23-But God may come to shatter that season (don't know what's wrong with but), could say Still or Yet Do not but a sententence start. It is not wise, but may be art
L24-by grace, our love and gratefulness the reason - I'm not preaching, relating love and gratefulness to the first line. I would write on all perspectives, with the least judgment possible.

Thanks again tectak for this very educational crit. Let me know if you think I should delete L17-20, if I have made progress without compromise. Best Loretta