03-23-2015, 12:24 PM
Ugh. 'flat dead' is wonderful.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.
S1L7,8,9: While all three lines prove your point, they just seem excessive. L7&L9 lend themselves to your burial imagery, but L8 has to be splinted between them. L9 is the most useless / pointless, so I think it lends itself the best.
S2L2,3: 'statistic's stacked on top of each other was a bit jarring.
S2L10: 'sharp razor' redundant?
S2L11,12: 'pray to God for another day' is quite cliche. And compared to the attitude of S2, this could have more bite.
S2: Ah! I love the cheekiness in the middle, off-shooting into 'b12 and pizzerias'. (How saucy!) I also like how quickly this read in relation to being an offhand statistic.
But, in the handful of your poems that I have read (a very small handful), I've noticed that you become verbose in order to keep your flow. For example, S1L2 could be completely omitted, save 'in'. While I recognize the value in 'rest of us', the phrase has a pretty full skirt! There is also a bit of this in S2L1 and S2L11&12.
But oooh, flat dead. Flat dead.
I keep saying it over and over in my head.
S1L7,8,9: While all three lines prove your point, they just seem excessive. L7&L9 lend themselves to your burial imagery, but L8 has to be splinted between them. L9 is the most useless / pointless, so I think it lends itself the best.
S2L2,3: 'statistic's stacked on top of each other was a bit jarring.
S2L10: 'sharp razor' redundant?
S2L11,12: 'pray to God for another day' is quite cliche. And compared to the attitude of S2, this could have more bite.
S2: Ah! I love the cheekiness in the middle, off-shooting into 'b12 and pizzerias'. (How saucy!) I also like how quickly this read in relation to being an offhand statistic.
But, in the handful of your poems that I have read (a very small handful), I've noticed that you become verbose in order to keep your flow. For example, S1L2 could be completely omitted, save 'in'. While I recognize the value in 'rest of us', the phrase has a pretty full skirt! There is also a bit of this in S2L1 and S2L11&12.
But oooh, flat dead. Flat dead.