03-23-2015, 10:25 AM
Hello! I'm Julia. :')
S1L3: I think you can omit 'have been'.
S1L4: Do you think that comma after 'night' makes the line too choppy?
S2L1: 'upcoming' may be redundant in the thought that you always hesitate before you do something anyway.
S2L2,3: I love "she raises the bedroom shade on the morning".
S2L3,4,5: Might want to rethink starting these three lines all with prepositions.
You've painted an interesting relationship. I like the little stab with 'vanity' at the end. Ohoho. Very subtle. However, I don't quite understand your title, since there really aren't any smells alluded to. Are you saying her heavenliness is an artificial creation? If "call[ing] her his angel" is the clue, it really didn't connect for me.
S1L3: I think you can omit 'have been'.
S1L4: Do you think that comma after 'night' makes the line too choppy?
S2L1: 'upcoming' may be redundant in the thought that you always hesitate before you do something anyway.
S2L2,3: I love "she raises the bedroom shade on the morning".
S2L3,4,5: Might want to rethink starting these three lines all with prepositions.
You've painted an interesting relationship. I like the little stab with 'vanity' at the end. Ohoho. Very subtle. However, I don't quite understand your title, since there really aren't any smells alluded to. Are you saying her heavenliness is an artificial creation? If "call[ing] her his angel" is the clue, it really didn't connect for me.