Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

it'
s always good to see poets haing an aim, be it rhyme or meter or something else. here the meter and rhyme seem to be what you're aiming for. at present the poem as a whole feels forced shoehorned in to fit both criteria. [though the meter does fail in places. [count the last few lines to start with]] the next aim should be to make such poems feel like they naturally fit, even if it means changing the meter in places. i think a verse format, even couplets separated with line spacing could add to the poem.
not a bad effort.
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
the race in flesh with heart ad soul, [just an example]
incline needs something added to make it work better. a suggestion would be [inclined]
watch out for repetition and cliche. [cliche can hide so good you miss it for ten edits and then it pops up and you
think "how did i miss that"

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed. road could be changed  / How about along the road
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul, flesh has already been used, try something else
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance, i think this line is superb, alliteration being just one of the devices you use.
then speed to our next date in velvet pants.
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars.
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine.
The morning sun shines on a face of grace
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place.
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding. flesh
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide;
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined. flesh again
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come, to dispossess that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

Hi Billy, yes, last two lines have an extra syllable, that does mean the meter is wrong, even though the stressor sound the same? 
Do you mean altering meter as eg. a stanza of 4,3,4,3?, or tetrameter as 4,4 3?  Yes, I didn't see it, toooooooo many FLESH, How about "along the road we'll bleed"?
Yes, forced, shoehorned, I kept trying to figure out why I didn't like it; one of the major reasons. I did it in continuous couplet as I thought a marathon should be continuous; however, as you and Bena suggest; I will try to think of a way to lighten it up.
Thanks billy; I've gotten such valuable advice, much appreciated, really did need someone to tell me why I didn't like it.
You mention cliché; I know how strongly you feel about it here; however, to be truthful, philosophically, I don't really understand the viewpoint; can you tell me if "forget me not" is a cliché". Thanks again. Loretta

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Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness Do you mean "Inclined to race to love and....."? It makes  no sense otherwise
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness. Do you mean "...lead not to.."? It makes no sense otherwise.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need, What is fervent flesh? It makes no sense at all
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed. How does one, or two, bleed a road. It makes no sense at all
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul, Run in flesh? Repeat of flesh. ad typo
where spirit and mere chance define the goal. This line makes sense so now I am concerned
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance, Phew! Lost again. That's better....but wait. I get this but was still thinking
then speed to our next date in velvet pants. Rhyme if you can, but don't if you can't..which rhymes with pant. Nearly. Pants and pants. You can do better. If you cannot rhyme with dance.. change dance. You are in charge.
" In paper pants we waddle, dance and run
then in velvet strides seek adult fun" Your poem. Make life easy
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars striving not shooting. If you are shooting why climb? Just get a bigger gun
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars. Forced ryhmes sometimes make sense. Not often, though
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine Yep. No surprise there. Now, "BEHOLD the ripened chestnuts onthe vine!"That would be a behold
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine. Do you mean " that to our lips tastes sweet as virgin wine"? It makes no sense otherwise. The vine/wine rhyme is a little spoon moon June. What is virgin wine?
The morning sun shines on a face of grace Good morning, Grace....who are you? You do not say
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place. I have no idea what this means. Do you?
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding. Flesh again. Do you mean " our days of (in?) flesh are rapidly eroding"? It makes no sense otherwise.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found. Gobbledygook caused by a forced rhyme you stumbled across. Take more time to make yourself clear. It is great fun, stimulating and satisfying.I have no idea what you are trying to say here, but would defend to the death your right to try to say it. Please, though, say it clearly in the end. Maybe:
"Someone is chasing you, you look around
in desperation; shadows on the ground." Your poem.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide; Do you mean "Escaped from self,  I think where can I hide?" It makes no sense otherwise.
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined. Were you once frightened by a butcher's dog? You are obsessed with flesh Do you mean " My flesh the stress resists what mind cannot decide" It makes no sense either way.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path, Phew! The Weather Report. Blessed relief
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath. Is that the big Satan or the little satan?
But God may come, to dispossess that season, I mean, if we are talking the big God then it's not fair on Satan. No comma after come...dispossess the  season (what season? You forgot to say) of what?
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason. No idea what this means but you cannot dispossess  "by". Do you mean "of"? It makes no sense otherwise. Note to self. Do I mean "anyway"? It makes no sense, "otherwise"
Hi loretta,
welcome front outside the fold.
Read your words out loud. If it all sounds OK  to you, you are of Dutch parentage brought up in Navajho reservation run by Klingons.
Seriously though. You just need to really work on your clarity issues. Don't be a rhyme whore if you don't like lex. Express simple concepts in simple sentences...poetry creates its own environment. It is the poet who complicates poetry.
Best,
tectak
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

Hi tectak: However did you know that I am of Dutch parentage brought up on a Navajho reservation by Klingons?
laughing. Concepts in simple sentences when I am looking for metaphors, imagery, illiteration and assonance; all which interest me to lyricism; yet, as billy says it feels shoehorned; how can I achieve these elements and not be a rhyme whore; practice I guess.
Li, L2 yes, Line 4 meant vigorous, healthy,  L3, isn't there imagery in leaning roads? if not it leads. L5 don't many road have wounding bumps and bruises, and, the line is off meter anyway; so possibly "truth bare somewhere along the road we'll bleed"?
L5 Our bodies do the work, our spirit gives us direction, and mere chance, (like an accident) may change or alter or help define the goal or change it. Does that make sense?
L7-8. Ooh, sorry, really thought pants and dance a rhyme, done both have the ce sound: so it's not just a similar sound, it would have to be dance, prance, chance?
Shooting for the stars, a somewhat common statement in American English. But I wasn't fond of it. Would it be considered a cliché if a culture uses the words "shoot for the star", an American way of saying go for the gusto.
Grace is a beautiful face lit by the sun, Eros sings to gain his place with this lady, No?
In flesh may be better, don't we say things like days of fun? Toooooo many Flesh words anyway I know
Some is chasing you; ever hear the expression someone is chasing their own tail; Since it's a race, there's a chase and I tried to use irony here; the point also that in the marathon of life we sometimes loose or want to run away from ourselves.
Flesh is tired at times in the race, and resists, and the mind defied, Too tired to hide from self
The season of satan's storm, call "that season" the one mention just above.
How would He disposess "that" season, by His grace.
satan big or little "s", philosophical reason, I won't give satan the status of God. Big God little devil is my thesis.

Can I make simple sentences with imagery, lyricism, alliteration or assonance, with meter and rhyme? That's a challenge for me.

I wasn't fond of this write and that's why I posted it. And now I have many ideas to change it.  Thank you very much for your so in depth and thoughtful critique.  If there is anything I said that makes more sense to you, if you have a chane, please let me know. thanks so much. Of course, I will be rewriting this. Best Loretta