Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[tectak]

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness Do you mean "Inclined to race to love and....."? It makes  no sense otherwise
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness. Do you mean "...lead not to.."? It makes no sense otherwise.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need, What is fervent flesh? It makes no sense at all
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed. How does one, or two, bleed a road. It makes no sense at all
Some run the race in flesh with heart ad soul, Run in flesh? Repeat of flesh. ad typo
where spirit and mere chance define the goal. This line makes sense so now I am concerned
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance, Phew! Lost again. That's better....but wait. I get this but was still thinking
then speed to our next date in velvet pants. Rhyme if you can, but don't if you can't..which rhymes with pant. Nearly. Pants and pants. You can do better. If you cannot rhyme with dance.. change dance. You are in charge.
" In paper pants we waddle, dance and run
then in velvet strides seek adult fun" Your poem. Make life easy
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars striving not shooting. If you are shooting why climb? Just get a bigger gun
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars. Forced ryhmes sometimes make sense. Not often, though
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine Yep. No surprise there. Now, "BEHOLD the ripened chestnuts onthe vine!"That would be a behold
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine. Do you mean " that to our lips tastes sweet as virgin wine"? It makes no sense otherwise. The vine/wine rhyme is a little spoon moon June. What is virgin wine?
The morning sun shines on a face of grace Good morning, Grace....who are you? You do not say
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place. I have no idea what this means. Do you?
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding. Flesh again. Do you mean " our days of (in?) flesh are rapidly eroding"? It makes no sense otherwise.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found. Gobbledygook caused by a forced rhyme you stumbled across. Take more time to make yourself clear. It is great fun, stimulating and satisfying.I have no idea what you are trying to say here, but would defend to the death your right to try to say it. Please, though, say it clearly in the end. Maybe:
"Someone is chasing you, you look around
in desperation; shadows on the ground." Your poem.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide; Do you mean "Escaped from self,  I think where can I hide?" It makes no sense otherwise.
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined. Were you once frightened by a butcher's dog? You are obsessed with flesh Do you mean " My flesh the stress resists what mind cannot decide" It makes no sense either way.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path, Phew! The Weather Report. Blessed relief
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath. Is that the big Satan or the little satan?
But God may come, to dispossess that season, I mean, if we are talking the big God then it's not fair on Satan. No comma after come...dispossess the  season (what season? You forgot to say) of what?
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason. No idea what this means but you cannot dispossess  "by". Do you mean "of"? It makes no sense otherwise. Note to self. Do I mean "anyway"? It makes no sense, "otherwise"
Hi loretta,
welcome front outside the fold.
Read your words out loud. If it all sounds OK  to you, you are of Dutch parentage brought up in Navajho reservation run by Klingons.
Seriously though. You just need to really work on your clarity issues. Don't be a rhyme whore if you don't like lex. Express simple concepts in simple sentences...poetry creates its own environment. It is the poet who complicates poetry.
Best,
tectak
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15