Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[LorettaYoung]

Marathon
Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.
Some run the race in flesh with heart and soul,
where spirit and mere chance define the goal.
In paper pants we waddle, then we dance,
then speed to our next date in velvet pants.
We climb tall mountains shooting for the stars
and stroll seductive gardens full of scars.
Behold the ripened grapes upon the vine
that to our lips sweet tastes the virgin wine.
The morning sun shines on a face of grace
while Eros sings his songs to plead his place.
Keeping pace, eternal time unfolding,
our days of flesh are racing to eroding.
Someone is chasing you, you look around,
it's your shadow's desperation to be found.
Escape from self, the thought, where can I hide;
my flesh of stress resists, my mind declined.
Cold rain beats down a long and deep dark path,
a bolt of lightning strikes with satan's wrath.
But God may come, to dispossess that season,
by grace, our love and gratefulness a reason.
g.e.Kaye 3/18/15

Hi, Loretta, life as a race, though not new, can be interesting. This has some syntax problems that really hinder the reading for me.

Incline they race to love and gratefulness
that rugged roads lean not to emptiness.
Though fervent flesh facilitates our need,
truth lay somewhere on the road we'll bleed.

L1:If by inclined you mean uphill, maybe "They race uphill."
L2:why not say don't or won't lean?
L3: While the f sounds are nice, I'm not sure how passion eases need.
L4: How does one bleed a road?
L5: typo and
You can see how confused I am. Much of the poem is clearer but it's a rough start. I think if you try to say it a bit more plainly, not in vocabulary but in sentence structure, it would not be such a puzzle. If the rhymes are making you twist you might try it without it first and see what happens from there.
I think you can do a bit better on some of the the rhymes. Gratefulness/emptiness and hide/declined didn't work too well for me.
You've got plenty to work with here, hope my comments help a bit.

Hi Ellijam: Thanks for the read, actually I thought this poem needed help and I appreciate you're stopping by. I will answer your questions:
L1 incline here means to lean towards, think of.
L2 I thought the way I said it more lyrical, possibly not, if not I would change it to the more grammatically language you suggest
L3 Fervent used defined as active, stretched to healthy, assuming that health help get what we need. The word I dislike if facilitates.
L4 It's a metaphor, for the bumps and bruises we get along the race, or on the road
L5 typo, thank you, fixed it.
As to the rhymes, the end syllables end on the same tone; is that not sufficient or must the whole word rhyme,
something I guess I'm not sure of.
As to sentence structure; I fight between maintaining that with lyricism and poetics, otherwise it's seem just talk to me.  I do think you are right about the rough start; although I understand it, am not quite happy with it.
All these problems are why I posted, so thanks very much, it was very helpful. Hope my answers about the Lines are understandable, and if you could let me know about the rhymes I'd appreciate it. Best Loretta

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this is begging for white space and organization into stanzas, it would look so much better on the page.  I agree with ella about the rhymes being a bit too easy...look for the odd rhymes that you haven't heard before.  Slant rhymes are ok, but I can't see hide/declined to be good in any accent, and I tried really hard.  
Let the poem tell the story...not the rhymes.  It's hard to do, but it's possible.  
Hope you have fun revising!
mel.

Hi bena; stanzas are an interesting suggestion, but I kept it in line because it is one lone race I'm talking about; perhaps you are right about stanzas; to divide the race into eras.
I don't know what you mean about easy rhymes.  Could you please give me some examples; yes, I see both you and ellajam are right about that rhyme when I see it separate from the poem;  and I think when I was reading I was hearing the internal rhyme in the line, mind declined. Yes, that's what I was hearing; how about hide/defied.
Thanks Bena, I really appreciate the advice; yes fun revising. laughing. Best Loretta

PS: Mel: I use the rhyme because I want to hear more than story telling. Lyricism is very important to me and yes, very hard to do; thanks again