Marathon-edit 2 (tectak, ellijam, Bena, billy)

[bena]

this is begging for white space and organization into stanzas, it would look so much better on the page. I agree with ella about the rhymes being a bit too easy...look for the odd rhymes that you haven't heard before. Slant rhymes are ok, but I can't see hide/declined to be good in any accent, and I tried really hard.

Let the poem tell the story...not the rhymes. It's hard to do, but it's possible.

Hope you have fun revising!

mel.