Deathstalker-Edit 1

[onepapa]

(The Deathstalker scorpion, Leiurus Quinquestriatus, is yellow in color with a smooth five striped tail.  The adults are about 2 1/2 inches long.  They are one of the most deadly scorpions.  Their range includes North Africa and most of the Middle East.)


Nothing moves
in my spotting scope;
field of fire clear perhaps a little squiggly mark here...unless this is expedient military communications talk. But it is not clear.
two thousand yards.

Blue Afghan skies
watch Khyber's ancient pass I am happy to be wrong here, but it is NOT Khyber's Pass but Khyber Pass; rather as Cheddar Gorge is not Cheddar's Gorge. Is there a place called Khyber? A marauder called Khyber? I do not know
and empty hills. Rather nice in a primary colour way. I have this sense of distance, big sky, cleanliness even. Yes to this.

Acrid wind stirs my ghille bush, Is this in code? I will look up your ghille later but I think you mean Ghillie...or not.
calescent air shimmers, Calescent....haven't heard that since Malta 1968. Very nice choice.
three hundred win mag
cool against my cheek. ...getting esoteric but I trust you. You show confidence....I get confident

Home's a smoky memory,
blurred by blood and terror.
Survival is all I ask.

A scorpion scuttles
across my shooting pad,
stinger poised,
hurrying to a hiding place.

Movement.
Insurgents debouch the defile.
Hunters hunting me. A little emptily precipitous. This makes the ending a little infra dig. I was hoping for more. Perhaps that's how it was. I was not there.

Hi,
....and I do not feel enough of what you felt. There is germination here. I want the piece to grow some more. The first green fuse is not enough to tell me what this is going to become. By using such short, meterless, unrhymed lines you cheat yourself in to thinking your piece is longer than it is (alright, alright...settle down at the back). Could I boldly ask that you make poetry of this? Even it out, enjamb if you must. I can understand the discipline-based adherence to concatenated speech but it makes the poetry pedestrian. OK, maybe that IS intentional...your poem but where's the metaphor?
Best,
tectak

tectak,

Thanks for commenting. My typo on ghillie is sloppy and your comment on Khyber is exactly right. I was thinking of the Khyber road and trying to be a bit different by using Khyber's Pass rather than Khyber Pass but this will get fixed in the editing. I used the terse syntax and structure in an attempt to evoke the harsh empty feeling of the desolate terrain and the situation. Perhaps I liked the idea of the Deathstalker scorpion set next to the deathstalker sniper too much. You have given me good insights for the edit. Thank you.

onepapa