03-19-2015, 10:03 AM
I agree with what's already been posted. The poem reads smoothly as sound poetry and the simile is nice, but these qualities haven't added to produce a poem with a strong impact yet.
I like how you've used mixed rhyming types to end the lines. I think you kept the music of the rhyme well without creating an annoying repetitive feel.
In the final line 'tick tick' jarred me a bit as the sonic of the rest of the poem was consistently soft. I think this made it a good closing line; it pushed home the feeling of time passing. I think you could exploit this effect better, however.
Does the second line match with the message of the rest of the poem? It seems to me that the other lines are warnings or good advice; are positive messages to take with you as time goes by, whereas telling a lie isn't.
I think the poem needs more structure to it. The idea behind it is clear, but there isn't a clear progression of idea from one line to another. The fourth line, for example, read for me as if the voice had run out of advice and instead made a general comment about time passing.
The penultimate line made me think immediately of PMS - I know people who get moody too when the moon reaches a certain phase at a certain time of the month
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I like how you've used mixed rhyming types to end the lines. I think you kept the music of the rhyme well without creating an annoying repetitive feel.
In the final line 'tick tick' jarred me a bit as the sonic of the rest of the poem was consistently soft. I think this made it a good closing line; it pushed home the feeling of time passing. I think you could exploit this effect better, however.
Does the second line match with the message of the rest of the poem? It seems to me that the other lines are warnings or good advice; are positive messages to take with you as time goes by, whereas telling a lie isn't.
I think the poem needs more structure to it. The idea behind it is clear, but there isn't a clear progression of idea from one line to another. The fourth line, for example, read for me as if the voice had run out of advice and instead made a general comment about time passing.
The penultimate line made me think immediately of PMS - I know people who get moody too when the moon reaches a certain phase at a certain time of the month
.