03-19-2015, 08:04 AM
(03-19-2015, 07:48 AM)ellajam Wrote:I think the closing could be strong if you made it relevant. If they were his mother's old calories, it might drive home the relationship as well as reinforcing the generational aspect.(03-19-2015, 07:23 AM)milo Wrote:Yep, I tried to give more info, personally I like HAM HAM HAM HAM.(03-11-2015, 10:05 PM)ellajam Wrote: Edit #2 (billy, erthona)TBH, it reads like you are trying too hard to stick to the facts, ma'am, IYKWIM. I think you need to allow yourself some room to breathe, allow the poem to be more or less as the metaphor and language move you. Maybe experiment with telling it deliberately wrong to see what happens. Maybe you dropped the kid. Maybe the dog ate him. Who knows.
Seuss Saves the Night
The boy's dropped at Grandpa's so Dad can party.
With no jacket, toothbrush or teddy
he runs back to the door, "Noooo".
They hush, cajole, conspire their way to calm.
With a sidelong glance at the I-Pad he says
"I like Green Eggs and Ham," and out leaps Sam.
"Sam I am." A flick turns the page, each word repeated
as many times as a young finger can click.
Sam still tastes the unknown; both grin when he likes it.
In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Also, as closure, i think the part about his aunt's Capris could be weaved better. i don't know who his aunt is. Should I? is this important?
You are right about the aunt, I just put her in cause that's why I have old crap around that will work as a 5 year old's pjs, but that's a whole nother story, it doesn't matter here.
I'll try to focus on what matters, there may be something in there, I'll try your advice. I appreciate the read and the time taken to comment.
I think your instinct drove you straight in bonding over Sam trying it (though I was thrown the first time with what 'it' was and I have read the story 1000 times.
Ugh-stip is phone doesn't like capris so it makes it calories. Thank god his aunt didn't wear cavaricci's


