03-18-2015, 05:42 AM
Loved the ideas in this poem and the way you develop the message initially through scenic, nature imagery and then ending in the day-to-day picture of city streets and focus on a "bottom line" was great.
I agree with the critique above about the rhyme scheme coming across a tad forced - your ideas can probably shine through better without that.
For me the following stanza doesn't read particularly well:
They prey upon the trusting,
Sharks swimming in red wine, <<< perhaps remove the word "Sharks"
Ignoring inner callings,
Focused on a bottom line, <<< could use simply "Focused bottom line" which reads better for me and still gets across the message.
Other feedback that I think could improve the poem is to think about which images and which descriptions (rivers, landscapes, shadow, cities...) you find the most powerful and diverse and develop those a little more through the poem. That could add some more punch and some more layers to each of those images and may help to flesh out your ideas even better.
Great job!
I agree with the critique above about the rhyme scheme coming across a tad forced - your ideas can probably shine through better without that.
For me the following stanza doesn't read particularly well:
They prey upon the trusting,
Sharks swimming in red wine, <<< perhaps remove the word "Sharks"
Ignoring inner callings,
Focused on a bottom line, <<< could use simply "Focused bottom line" which reads better for me and still gets across the message.
Other feedback that I think could improve the poem is to think about which images and which descriptions (rivers, landscapes, shadow, cities...) you find the most powerful and diverse and develop those a little more through the poem. That could add some more punch and some more layers to each of those images and may help to flesh out your ideas even better.
Great job!