03-18-2015, 05:40 AM
Don't get me wrong when I say shallow, I only meany that there is much here to work with and considering that this is a short piece, it is a shallow treatment of the topic considering what it could be, not that it is shallow in terms of thinking.
"My intention was to render the girl destroyed not ugly."
"on beds of thorns your petal's strayed;
where ripped to shreds by sharpened blades
then blown to dust in life's parades.
I think if you wanted to portray as you say it would help to not use such appendage type images that symbolize beauty. Metaphorically, beauty destroyed is what this shouts. To me there seems a very obvious dichotomy between her action being internalized as sins, "But buried deep and kept confined, the wounds of misadventure pined" and the external effects, " your petal's strayed; where ripped to shreds by sharpened blades". For me, since the petals represent beauty, this says that her decadent free love hippie lifestyle from the narrator's point of view, were sins piled upon sins, "a tasty treat for satan's stew" (Satan should be capitalized) and this internal ugliness was reflected externally and destroyed her beauty. I'm not saying I am right, I'm just saying this is how I interpreted it and why.
In terms of a "half headed", it's just the opposite of a half foot. It works this way. The poem is primarily written in a certain meter, it can be any meter, but here it is iambic. Iambic begins with an unstressed syllable and ends with a stressed one. If a line is short one syllable at the beginning at the line but end with a stressed with a stressed syllable at the end of the line there are two way to interpret this line. either as a line of trochee with a half foot at the end of the line, that is it is missing the unstressed syllable that should be there; or as a line of iambic that is missing the first syllable (unstressed) at the beginning: thus, half headed. The determination that the line is in iambic is primarily due to the fact that most of the other lines are obviously iambic. In the end it does not matter if it is or isn't, or even if we should decide to call it such, all that matters is, is if the line is disruptive to the reading or not. In this case it is not. However, this should be a purposeful action on the part of the writer, not just a matter of luck. Or if luck, the writer has enough skill to ascertain if it is good luck or bad luck. I don't know "half headed" or "half-headed" is considered an actual poetic term, it makes sense to me. Maybe milo or Leanne knows, seems like I heard Leanne use it before. It's just easier to say that, the first unstressed syllable of the line appears to be missing, or maybe this is a line of trochee with the last syllable missing.
Oh yes, I think you might consider dropping the "Butt" at the beginning of L9, it doesn't really need to be there.
Dale
"My intention was to render the girl destroyed not ugly."
"on beds of thorns your petal's strayed;
where ripped to shreds by sharpened blades
then blown to dust in life's parades.
I think if you wanted to portray as you say it would help to not use such appendage type images that symbolize beauty. Metaphorically, beauty destroyed is what this shouts. To me there seems a very obvious dichotomy between her action being internalized as sins, "But buried deep and kept confined, the wounds of misadventure pined" and the external effects, " your petal's strayed; where ripped to shreds by sharpened blades". For me, since the petals represent beauty, this says that her decadent free love hippie lifestyle from the narrator's point of view, were sins piled upon sins, "a tasty treat for satan's stew" (Satan should be capitalized) and this internal ugliness was reflected externally and destroyed her beauty. I'm not saying I am right, I'm just saying this is how I interpreted it and why.
In terms of a "half headed", it's just the opposite of a half foot. It works this way. The poem is primarily written in a certain meter, it can be any meter, but here it is iambic. Iambic begins with an unstressed syllable and ends with a stressed one. If a line is short one syllable at the beginning at the line but end with a stressed with a stressed syllable at the end of the line there are two way to interpret this line. either as a line of trochee with a half foot at the end of the line, that is it is missing the unstressed syllable that should be there; or as a line of iambic that is missing the first syllable (unstressed) at the beginning: thus, half headed. The determination that the line is in iambic is primarily due to the fact that most of the other lines are obviously iambic. In the end it does not matter if it is or isn't, or even if we should decide to call it such, all that matters is, is if the line is disruptive to the reading or not. In this case it is not. However, this should be a purposeful action on the part of the writer, not just a matter of luck. Or if luck, the writer has enough skill to ascertain if it is good luck or bad luck. I don't know "half headed" or "half-headed" is considered an actual poetic term, it makes sense to me. Maybe milo or Leanne knows, seems like I heard Leanne use it before. It's just easier to say that, the first unstressed syllable of the line appears to be missing, or maybe this is a line of trochee with the last syllable missing.
Oh yes, I think you might consider dropping the "Butt" at the beginning of L9, it doesn't really need to be there.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.