03-18-2015, 12:08 AM
Sounds very Blakenean, as in William Blake.
frm? Of course the non rhyme child/vine.
I think you try and stretch your extended metaphor too far in places, like "virgin flowers". Flowers cannot be virgin as they have no hymen and the most common non-literal sense of virgin is "pure" which would not really apply. But as the flower is the girl, virginity is simply not an area they share. You probably could get by with using innocence instead and though a bit odd, things do happen to flowers that could represent a loss of innocence.
In terms of meter, although the lines are often half headed, they always end on an accent, thus showing themselves to be lines of iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets, except in the 2nd stanza where all of the end rhymes are the same. None of this seems to bother the reading, or at least I did not notice that some lines started with an accented syllable and some did not as I was initially reading this poem.
I understand the last line, although it is somewhat oblique. I think it is OK as it is the last line, so it is not disruptive to the poem and gives a person something to ponder. Still it does weaken the poem in the sense of the loss of energy at the end. I am uncertain if this is intentional, or simply being unable to word the line more clearly. I assume the clock represents the passage of time of the once pure, innocent and beautiful girl, as her beauty faded as a result of sleeping around and other adventures (one should probably assume drug use as she is a flower child). However, it was not the actions per se, but the effect on her soul that robbed her of her beauty. A modernized retelling of an older fairly tale motif. Witches were all beautiful at first but their evil which is symbolized in their appearance tells what has happened to them. Their general avarice, as well as their overweening desire to be the most beautiful, but also the hate at seeing any other beautiful woman, begins to rob them of their eyesight and turn their eyes red. The skin turns green with envy, the nose grows long and crooked due to lying, lying to others and to themselves. They eat children (a form of sympathetic magic) because they think it will help them regain their youth and along with youth, beauty.
In the poem the "flower child" is rendered ugly because of the effect of her sins over time. The only exception being that in the poem the destruction comes from an external source. What the poem has going for it is a fairly unique retelling of this theme, the detriment of the poem is the retelling is somewhat shallow.
Dale
frm? Of course the non rhyme child/vine.
I think you try and stretch your extended metaphor too far in places, like "virgin flowers". Flowers cannot be virgin as they have no hymen and the most common non-literal sense of virgin is "pure" which would not really apply. But as the flower is the girl, virginity is simply not an area they share. You probably could get by with using innocence instead and though a bit odd, things do happen to flowers that could represent a loss of innocence.
In terms of meter, although the lines are often half headed, they always end on an accent, thus showing themselves to be lines of iambic tetrameter with rhyming couplets, except in the 2nd stanza where all of the end rhymes are the same. None of this seems to bother the reading, or at least I did not notice that some lines started with an accented syllable and some did not as I was initially reading this poem.
I understand the last line, although it is somewhat oblique. I think it is OK as it is the last line, so it is not disruptive to the poem and gives a person something to ponder. Still it does weaken the poem in the sense of the loss of energy at the end. I am uncertain if this is intentional, or simply being unable to word the line more clearly. I assume the clock represents the passage of time of the once pure, innocent and beautiful girl, as her beauty faded as a result of sleeping around and other adventures (one should probably assume drug use as she is a flower child). However, it was not the actions per se, but the effect on her soul that robbed her of her beauty. A modernized retelling of an older fairly tale motif. Witches were all beautiful at first but their evil which is symbolized in their appearance tells what has happened to them. Their general avarice, as well as their overweening desire to be the most beautiful, but also the hate at seeing any other beautiful woman, begins to rob them of their eyesight and turn their eyes red. The skin turns green with envy, the nose grows long and crooked due to lying, lying to others and to themselves. They eat children (a form of sympathetic magic) because they think it will help them regain their youth and along with youth, beauty.
In the poem the "flower child" is rendered ugly because of the effect of her sins over time. The only exception being that in the poem the destruction comes from an external source. What the poem has going for it is a fairly unique retelling of this theme, the detriment of the poem is the retelling is somewhat shallow.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.