Portending Concrete Reality

[tectak]

Sorry, I get no concrete portentions. (Pretentions maybe.)
I dared not attempt a line by line, but......
Newborn fretting without getting tired,
agonizing (it's parents?) relentlessly.
crawling and curling (deformed spine?)
worrying about too-large-skin problem
Somebody is throwing tricycles and picking up used acne encrusted bandages to pad injuries incurred in the throwing of the aforementioned tricycles.
Somehow this causes the annoying but anxious infant to cut its own wrists.
Infant fears growing old, suddenly achieves climbing ability,
grabs umbilical cord, attempts to climb it, gets tired, slips and strangles self while admiring color of noose.
Dying infant manufactures more troubles which come alive and step on his knuckles.
Infant miraculously revives, finds wax somewhere, (delivery room in hospital, maybe?) rubs it on head.
Wax causes hair to fall out. (an effect which remains unexplained)
Infant collects hair and braids it into headband.
Puts headband on and pretends to be Macbeth.
Infant feels grievously stupid.
I'm not sure if you intended to put this poem in Serious Workshopping, but if you did, I think you need to start over.
Carry on. Leah

Thanks for the feedback Leah, tectak, and Rain. Honestly, maybe this poem was just a massive miss for me, but I intended it to explain how we fret over the inevitable process of aging. Hence all the baby language and analogies of stress. The main character is not a baby though, more of an infantile man who is in denial of his aging. I was trying to show how we make aging out to be this terrible thing and as a result, it is. Thus, the Macbeth reference (Self-fulfilling Prophecy). Also, I definitely agree on the rhythm part, I rewrote this multiple times trying to establish some sort of general rhythm, but obviously failed. Now knowing what my authorial intent was, are there any ways you think I could have conveyed this better? Or should I just trash this poem and never look back?

Don't trash the idea, but yeah, I would pretty much trash the poem as written and start over. It is a well used theme, so you will have to come up with a "hook" for the reader that is more appealing than a slimy periwinkle umbilical cord. Also, please, always read your poems for continuity and plain syntactical meaning.

Hi fromc,
keep the concept.
Poems are ten a bad penny...good concepts don't turn up every day.
Here's the rub.How come you can explain what the thing is all about once the crits cry obscure? If you can explain it afterwards why not make yourself clear in the bloody poem?
it is not just you...pseudo poets specialise in making the clear obscure because it seems profound. Give me imagery, explanatory metaphor, grammatical precision and most important of all...sincerity of purpose. If you believe in your concept you can write poetry around it. Note the terminology. Milo is right...get yourself a core metaphor and build on it. Dale is right...aim to make the obscure clear. Me? I am a humble crit...all I ask for is poetry; and I know it when I read it.
Best,
tectak