03-15-2015, 08:54 PM
Whoa, I was writing this review and by the time I got around to posting it the entire poem had disappeared.
bill-hee,
This line gives me trouble:
nic-kels or lead penn-ies dull-ish bright
"Or" can be either stressed or unstressed. Here it would be stressed, according to milo, because of the rule of three. Sp technically it is correct, however knowing that still does not change my ear from hearing the first foot as dactyl. So for me the line was disruptive. I imagine it is not for most other people. I suspect it is an attribute of my mind, rather than any failure of your meter. Still I include it just in case.
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I'm not sure what a "a plastic-belly buttoned stop" is. Is stop, short for stopper? Do you mean it like plug, the place where one can extract the money?
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The quirky lineation aside, this is one rhyme away from a sonnet
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Overall this seems more a practice piece, than a finished work. The humor is rudimentary and weak. The title relies upon a trite pun. The meter seems accurate, but does not seem to energize the poem much in any way. The meter, rather than being a functioning part of the poem, seems to be saying, "Look, I wrote consistent meter all the way through." Thus the feeling of a practice piece. Saying at the end, "the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares," is tantamount to saying, I'm not a good enough writer to take the facts at hand and use them as is, but I must resort to trickery. Admitting that only serves to weaken the poem, even if in retrospect. There are just certain things one should not admit to the reader, such occasion as this would be one of them. A writer should give the impression that he does not write tentatively. He should impart confidence to the work. After all, if he does not, who will?
A final note. Something that must always be taken into consideration is the idea about the forms appropriateness to the content. It is great that you want to hone your skills on IP, and its subtle intricacies, however is it the best form for the content? Depending the skill of the writer, I suppose any form could be put to whatever use he saw fit, how, is it being put to the best use and is there a form that would better fit the material? The rule of thumb is that the longer the line the more weight or seriousness it imparts, whereas the shorter the line the less seriousness and weight it imparts. Just a thought.
Dale
bill-hee,
This line gives me trouble:
nic-kels or lead penn-ies dull-ish bright
"Or" can be either stressed or unstressed. Here it would be stressed, according to milo, because of the rule of three. Sp technically it is correct, however knowing that still does not change my ear from hearing the first foot as dactyl. So for me the line was disruptive. I imagine it is not for most other people. I suspect it is an attribute of my mind, rather than any failure of your meter. Still I include it just in case.
_________________________________________________________________
I'm not sure what a "a plastic-belly buttoned stop" is. Is stop, short for stopper? Do you mean it like plug, the place where one can extract the money?
___________________________________________________________________
The quirky lineation aside, this is one rhyme away from a sonnet
_________________________________________________________________
Overall this seems more a practice piece, than a finished work. The humor is rudimentary and weak. The title relies upon a trite pun. The meter seems accurate, but does not seem to energize the poem much in any way. The meter, rather than being a functioning part of the poem, seems to be saying, "Look, I wrote consistent meter all the way through." Thus the feeling of a practice piece. Saying at the end, "the cat is actually on the right of my table but who cares," is tantamount to saying, I'm not a good enough writer to take the facts at hand and use them as is, but I must resort to trickery. Admitting that only serves to weaken the poem, even if in retrospect. There are just certain things one should not admit to the reader, such occasion as this would be one of them. A writer should give the impression that he does not write tentatively. He should impart confidence to the work. After all, if he does not, who will?
A final note. Something that must always be taken into consideration is the idea about the forms appropriateness to the content. It is great that you want to hone your skills on IP, and its subtle intricacies, however is it the best form for the content? Depending the skill of the writer, I suppose any form could be put to whatever use he saw fit, how, is it being put to the best use and is there a form that would better fit the material? The rule of thumb is that the longer the line the more weight or seriousness it imparts, whereas the shorter the line the less seriousness and weight it imparts. Just a thought.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.