03-14-2015, 07:33 AM
Is this about a child abduction? I really struggled through the convolutions of syntax, which in some ways adds to the mood of confusion/ being lost but I'm afraid that the use/misuse of yon in particular was just too much for me. Some of the grammatical play is good, e.g. think fear knows (I'd be tempted to make these into a single compound word). If it's a child, the archaisms really don't fit unless you're trying to set it in another time (I thought on the first read that it was a kind of slip through the fairy ring from one time to another, but then realised that there's a school run at the start and finish of the poem so that can't be it). There are good elements to this but those are buried by far too much trying-to-be-cleverness -- a lighter hand would serve your poem better.
It could be worse