Seuss Saves the Night (edit 3)

[ellajam]

Good Medicine Stands the Test of Time

Upset by an unplanned
bedtime drop-off, with a sidelong glance
he asks "What percent do you have? #
Is it forty?" "Let's see, seventy-two, go ahead." #Do these 2 lines add anything to the overall meaning or experience of the poem? Not for me. They were just distracting.
We consider the choices:
Read to me, read it myself, auto-play.

Out he leaps, my old friend Sam.
"I am Sam, Sam I am."
Five clicks on one spot say Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam; ten taps shout Ham Ham Ham,
Ham Ham Ham, Ham, Ham Ham Ham. #Do you really need 10 taps here? As a reader, this level of repetition breaks the fourth wall and leaves me detached and lazy.
Even on retina display, Sam still tries the unknown;
we still grin when he likes it.

In makeshift pajamas fashioned
from drawstring Capris his aunt left behind,
giggles break through sleepover tears.
Thank you, Dr. Seuss.

I left a couple notes on lines that stood out to me. Overall, I felt I understood what was trying to be conveyed. The last stanza is certainly the strongest, with each line essential to the story. The other stanzas are weak. The first stanza should have focused on something besides the battery percentage. The second stanza is far too lazy. There's other ways to express repetition than flat out saying Ham ten times.

Something you could have added:
Was there a dr. seuss quote in this entire piece? The second stanza could really be helped out by this. Maybe how you two shared enthusiasm for the same line.

hi, welcome to the site and thank you for the careful read and helpful critique.

Regarding the percentage lines, I found it interesting that a five year old questions how charged the device is before he asks to use it, quite different than picking up a book, which is always charged. I may be the only person amused, or I may not have expressed the point well, thanks for pointing out the problem.

On the repeated Hams, ten does not come close to the actual experience. I tried to share it but three may be enough. It certainly differed from the book experience.

The quoted italics "I am Sam, Sam I am" is an actual quote.

Thanks for the notes, I'll see if I can bring the whole up to the last three lines.

Hope you enjoy the site.