03-14-2015, 01:11 AM
Bright voices fall on deaf ears(,) as I rest my head in the shade. comma out
I can make any change(s) in my head, but my life (is) still the same.
What have I done, but just be who I am. --> What have I done other than be who I am?
I left home, just to find myself home once again. clever wordplay.
I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again.
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There is not much poetical here; the writer makes little use of the standard tropes: just several dubious sentences strung together. Adding "bright" to it, does not make it any less a cliche.
Is the implication intended that these voices falling on ears, are the ears in the head of the (I) who "rest my head in the shade"?
In general a poem that starts nowhere, goes nowhere and so ends up in the same place using a lot of words to get there. I think what you maybe wanted to say did not get conveyed, or maybe it was not clear in your mind. What it was I think you wanted to convey. The only mental change in the mind that has any effect is the decision to change ones behavior. Without behavioral change there is no change. So effectively, mental change equals to no change at all. Thus, I start here and end up here because all the action I took was mental change. Or maybe the speaker has not gotten to this point yet and is simply puzzled why all this thinking and talking has not yet lead to a change in outlook on life. I could see this having some appeal to the late teen/early 20's segment. A major failing is it tells and does not show or demonstrate. Telling is the least effective way of trying to communicate anything, but especially with poetry. It's like having a muscle car, but discarding everything except the steering wheel and then running down the road holding that wheel while making vroom, vroom sounds; both methods are equally as effective. A way to recognize this (telling) is if "I" or one of the other pronouns meaning "I" (my/me etc) pops up an unduly amount, especially at the beginning of sentences. "I did..." "I've been..." "I had..." "I" followed by an action verb, and so on. When one sees that, it can indicate the writer is telling and not showing.
"Bright voices fall on deaf ears, as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any change in my head, but my life's still the same. What have I done, but just be who I am. I left home, just to find myself home once again. I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again."
12 incidences in only six sentences is fairly high. Look forward to the rewrite.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
I can make any change(s) in my head, but my life (is) still the same.
What have I done, but just be who I am. --> What have I done other than be who I am?
I left home, just to find myself home once again. clever wordplay.
I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again.
_______________________________________________________________________________________
There is not much poetical here; the writer makes little use of the standard tropes: just several dubious sentences strung together. Adding "bright" to it, does not make it any less a cliche.
Is the implication intended that these voices falling on ears, are the ears in the head of the (I) who "rest my head in the shade"?
In general a poem that starts nowhere, goes nowhere and so ends up in the same place using a lot of words to get there. I think what you maybe wanted to say did not get conveyed, or maybe it was not clear in your mind. What it was I think you wanted to convey. The only mental change in the mind that has any effect is the decision to change ones behavior. Without behavioral change there is no change. So effectively, mental change equals to no change at all. Thus, I start here and end up here because all the action I took was mental change. Or maybe the speaker has not gotten to this point yet and is simply puzzled why all this thinking and talking has not yet lead to a change in outlook on life. I could see this having some appeal to the late teen/early 20's segment. A major failing is it tells and does not show or demonstrate. Telling is the least effective way of trying to communicate anything, but especially with poetry. It's like having a muscle car, but discarding everything except the steering wheel and then running down the road holding that wheel while making vroom, vroom sounds; both methods are equally as effective. A way to recognize this (telling) is if "I" or one of the other pronouns meaning "I" (my/me etc) pops up an unduly amount, especially at the beginning of sentences. "I did..." "I've been..." "I had..." "I" followed by an action verb, and so on. When one sees that, it can indicate the writer is telling and not showing.
"Bright voices fall on deaf ears, as I rest my head in the shade. I can make any change in my head, but my life's still the same. What have I done, but just be who I am. I left home, just to find myself home once again. I've talked and I've talked, but I'm still where I am. Lets go around again, again, again."
12 incidences in only six sentences is fairly high. Look forward to the rewrite.
Welcome to the site,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.