03-13-2015, 11:42 AM
10 years long, and short (drop the comma before "and" Do you mean easy to dread?)
to dread, rage again ("to dread" semicolon)
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (I see no rationale for saying things in such an arrhythmical and choppy manner which does not benefit the poem in any way and is at least a distraction to whatever the poem is trying to communicate)
Should have seen, suspected (Do you have something against pronouns? "I" should have... I am all in favor of brevity, but not when it sacrifices clarity)
witnessed, prepared (should have seen, suspected, witnessed and prepared...for what?)
Oh well, What's 10 years? (Oh well, what is ten years lost? One should never leave out information when it is vital to understand the meaning and intent of the writing)
except a lifetime ago (the inference here is that the answer to "What's ten years?" is "except a lifetime ago." Is this the intent. If this is the intent it makes no sense, but neither does any other way.)
a lifetime to go (Restating the phrase in a cutesy way way does not benefit the poem.)
life I'd almost seen gone (there must be an easier, clearer, less convoluted way to express this.)
Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go. (Too much cutesy word play that doesn't add anything to the poem and acts only as a distraction)
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
Your recapitulation in this last stanza could actually be the entire poem as it seems to say most everything that is trying to be said, without the need to go down every rabbit hole it finds.
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This poem seems to be uncertain about everything it says, as a result it ends up saying little at all. One cannot write a poem and be equivocating every third step. Combine that with the lack of grammatical sentence structure and little rhyme or reason as regards punctuation and one has a very confused poem. That it has no real rhythmic underpinning just drives the spike further into the already dead body.
This seems a long way to go to say I wasted more of my time in resentment in addition to the 10 years I already lost, but how or for what reason we are not told. If the ten years that was lost is due to imprisonment in some form are another the reader needs to be told in order to begin to make some sense of this. Currently everything is an abstract. Not only is this difficult to connect with on an everyday level, it is fairly certain that any emotional connection is blocked, and without such a connection the reader cannot care about the poem or the speaker.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
Dale
to dread, rage again ("to dread" semicolon)
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (I see no rationale for saying things in such an arrhythmical and choppy manner which does not benefit the poem in any way and is at least a distraction to whatever the poem is trying to communicate)
Should have seen, suspected (Do you have something against pronouns? "I" should have... I am all in favor of brevity, but not when it sacrifices clarity)
witnessed, prepared (should have seen, suspected, witnessed and prepared...for what?)
Oh well, What's 10 years? (Oh well, what is ten years lost? One should never leave out information when it is vital to understand the meaning and intent of the writing)
except a lifetime ago (the inference here is that the answer to "What's ten years?" is "except a lifetime ago." Is this the intent. If this is the intent it makes no sense, but neither does any other way.)
a lifetime to go (Restating the phrase in a cutesy way way does not benefit the poem.)
life I'd almost seen gone (there must be an easier, clearer, less convoluted way to express this.)
Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go. (Too much cutesy word play that doesn't add anything to the poem and acts only as a distraction)
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
Your recapitulation in this last stanza could actually be the entire poem as it seems to say most everything that is trying to be said, without the need to go down every rabbit hole it finds.
_______________________________________________________________________________
This poem seems to be uncertain about everything it says, as a result it ends up saying little at all. One cannot write a poem and be equivocating every third step. Combine that with the lack of grammatical sentence structure and little rhyme or reason as regards punctuation and one has a very confused poem. That it has no real rhythmic underpinning just drives the spike further into the already dead body.
This seems a long way to go to say I wasted more of my time in resentment in addition to the 10 years I already lost, but how or for what reason we are not told. If the ten years that was lost is due to imprisonment in some form are another the reader needs to be told in order to begin to make some sense of this. Currently everything is an abstract. Not only is this difficult to connect with on an everyday level, it is fairly certain that any emotional connection is blocked, and without such a connection the reader cannot care about the poem or the speaker.
Welcome to the site,
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.