03-12-2015, 02:41 PM
Hi JG,
You've got a couple of good ideas in here but a lot seems to get lost for one reason or another and then it becomes difficult to come away with any meaning.
Firstly as regards the title, seeing as though the phrase 'nameless longing' gets used three times in the poem it seems a bit of a waste also as the title. There's an excellent post somewhere on this site (can't find it at the moment, but if I do I'll put the link here for you) about what titles can do for your poem. As well as being the "come and read me" first encounter that the reader will have it is also an extra line of the poem and shouldn't be wasted.
The first thing that strikes me about the actual poem is the length of the sentences sentence. Punctuation would make it a lot easier to read and therefore make your images clearer, also the fact that every line starts with a capital doesn't make it any easier for distinguishing things, it used to be in fashion to start each line with a capital but then I think people just realised it was wrong. Keeping to a metre would also help with reading, although I don't a lot about metre but in certain parts of your poem I tripped up and it didn't flow naturally.
A couple of bits that got my attention and left me wanting you to expand further were 'Outside the bland and blurred', firstly the alliteration worked well and also it hinted at something interesting that could of been developed, the blurred line???
"Sharks swimming in red wine", this got me as well. It's a very striking almost surreal image that I couldn't quite connect with the rest of the stanza but as an image it certainly got my attention.
I best leave it there because I've just noticed which forum it's in, hope it is of some help.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
You've got a couple of good ideas in here but a lot seems to get lost for one reason or another and then it becomes difficult to come away with any meaning.
Firstly as regards the title, seeing as though the phrase 'nameless longing' gets used three times in the poem it seems a bit of a waste also as the title. There's an excellent post somewhere on this site (can't find it at the moment, but if I do I'll put the link here for you) about what titles can do for your poem. As well as being the "come and read me" first encounter that the reader will have it is also an extra line of the poem and shouldn't be wasted.
The first thing that strikes me about the actual poem is the length of the sentences sentence. Punctuation would make it a lot easier to read and therefore make your images clearer, also the fact that every line starts with a capital doesn't make it any easier for distinguishing things, it used to be in fashion to start each line with a capital but then I think people just realised it was wrong. Keeping to a metre would also help with reading, although I don't a lot about metre but in certain parts of your poem I tripped up and it didn't flow naturally.
A couple of bits that got my attention and left me wanting you to expand further were 'Outside the bland and blurred', firstly the alliteration worked well and also it hinted at something interesting that could of been developed, the blurred line???
"Sharks swimming in red wine", this got me as well. It's a very striking almost surreal image that I couldn't quite connect with the rest of the stanza but as an image it certainly got my attention.
I best leave it there because I've just noticed which forum it's in, hope it is of some help.
Thanks for the read,
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie