03-12-2015, 12:01 PM
malfunctioning lights
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles
a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour
It's pretty good I think - especially the last stanza; the whole thing has a feeling of non feeling - and the ironic last line gives it a nice 'split' feel. The only problem I can see is "heavy gravity" - it sounds awkward (because of the partial rhyme) and also the idea/content of the line is a mismatch - ie., the concept of weight and the concept of gravity - they're two mutually exclusive concepts. They're too close to contrast or do some sort of rhetorical job for you, but sufficiently different to make it 'awkward'.
If it were me I'd just change the word 'heavy' - because the next two lines are strong.
whine and flicker
off once-white tiles
a drop of blood
falls from your nostril
in slow motion, exploding
small puffs of powder
from the off-white line
on the cistern
heavy gravity
in the v of dive;
it’s happy hour
It's pretty good I think - especially the last stanza; the whole thing has a feeling of non feeling - and the ironic last line gives it a nice 'split' feel. The only problem I can see is "heavy gravity" - it sounds awkward (because of the partial rhyme) and also the idea/content of the line is a mismatch - ie., the concept of weight and the concept of gravity - they're two mutually exclusive concepts. They're too close to contrast or do some sort of rhetorical job for you, but sufficiently different to make it 'awkward'.
If it were me I'd just change the word 'heavy' - because the next two lines are strong.