Black Bear

[fromcancertocapricorn]

Revision (thank you Tiger and Brownlie)


Curled into this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter. Describing winter as biting seems a little cliche...
Constricted in  cavernous space
bones protrude at her hips and shoulders.Cavernous is a really apt word choice. Additionally, I like the image of protruding bones.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above denizens awaiting
 rebirth of the earth. Clever use of rebirth instead of spring!

The gesture of robin
a rustling of deer,
the run off of melting snow
 down grassy hills. Honestly, you avoided any cringe-worthy cliches until now. This stanza is one massive, trite, cliche.

Inertia still aches in her ribs. Definitely my favorite line in the poem.
Shivering dormancy they awake Clever use of shivering.
 to spring where there is breathing Not a fan of this last line. Poems involving spring are hard, because spring is, for some reason, full of cliches. This is one of them.


Original

Curled in this narrow space
she aches from the bite of winter.
She has grown narrow and bones
protrude at her hips and shoulders.

Small inert forms tuck beneath her pelt,
their slumber soothed by diaphanous ghosts
 that hover above the space where
 denizens await the rebirth of earth.

The trill of a robin, a rustle of deer,
the run off of melting snow down green hills.
Inertia still aches in her ribs.
Shivering dormancy she emerges into spring
where there is room to breathe.

I like poems about hibernation, and there are many promising parts of this poem. Unfortunately, the cliches are your failure here, and they supersede all the wonderful and creative lines.