03-10-2015, 01:45 PM
Going to give you a few pointers...yes, I know this is in the fun section, but still these are things to keep in mind for future work.
In an 8 line poem, repetition is a death sentence. Someone above mentioned that you had three remembers, but also the entire phrase "I'm absolutely certain" repeats after just one line between.
The meter is very off---and it's a requirement in general to rhyming poems.
"now i've just forgot"---I know you did this just so not would have a nice rhyme, but the correct word is "forgotten"
One more thing, and I swear, I'll leave you alone----
name/again could be a good rhyme if you are from some UK country---pretty sure you may be an Aussie or Kiwi but since your readers wouldn't know that I might go for "blame" instead....like "no one is to blame."
I hope you realize that this is not a personal attack at all, but an effort to improve your poems. And it is yours, so toss all that you don't like in the bin.
bena
In an 8 line poem, repetition is a death sentence. Someone above mentioned that you had three remembers, but also the entire phrase "I'm absolutely certain" repeats after just one line between.
The meter is very off---and it's a requirement in general to rhyming poems.
"now i've just forgot"---I know you did this just so not would have a nice rhyme, but the correct word is "forgotten"
One more thing, and I swear, I'll leave you alone----
name/again could be a good rhyme if you are from some UK country---pretty sure you may be an Aussie or Kiwi but since your readers wouldn't know that I might go for "blame" instead....like "no one is to blame."
I hope you realize that this is not a personal attack at all, but an effort to improve your poems. And it is yours, so toss all that you don't like in the bin.
bena