03-10-2015, 09:41 AM
You seem to say the same thing in a couple of your lines making it a bit redundant so I would start by cleaning those up a bit even if it interferes with some of the rhythm you want to create: "You are the one, the one for me". You are writing about some pretty universal sentiments regarding love so try to express them in a way that nobody ever has before by using some metaphors or similes to show the extent of your love, fear, frustration at the toughness of love, etc. I feel like you would be well served to narrow down your focus because you seem to express a few different ideas which makes it difficult to find the exact point you are making with this poem other than love is hard. How does "friend or foe" tie into the overall theme of the poem? Is love itself the friend/foe, if so that could be clearer. Also, you have lots of opportunities to be more descriptive: Line 3 - How is love weird? Line 6 - what is your all and how does that affect you? Line 7 - Why is she/he the one for you? Line 8 & 9 - What is special about what you have compared to other lovers? Etc.
Also, you seem to start with an AABB rhyme scheme only to abandon it at line 7 then go back and forth between it and free verse for the remainder, so try to lock your structure down, even if it means rewriting a few lines to work out a consistent and expand (add color) on your thoughts/feelings.
Thanks for sharing!
Also, you seem to start with an AABB rhyme scheme only to abandon it at line 7 then go back and forth between it and free verse for the remainder, so try to lock your structure down, even if it means rewriting a few lines to work out a consistent and expand (add color) on your thoughts/feelings.
Thanks for sharing!