03-10-2015, 09:26 AM
You really summed up the anticipation and expectation one experiences while eagerly awaiting a trip to kick in. Line two really enforces this anticipation for the reader; however, I think you have a really good opportunity with the word "ripple" to use some other watery imagery to describe the visuals you might be experiencing or hoping to experience.
Stanza 2 really adds a lightheartedness to the experience because it is shared with another while providing the launching point for the trip. I do think you could come up with a more impactful line than "we stopped thinking altogether" to essentially say "we started tripping out;" there are SO many descriptive words you can use to say what you were thinking, or feeling (if you want to play off of "I think I feel something". This stanza took me back to a music festival I was at with my girlfriend where I tried acid for the first time; as the band started playing and the stage-lights erupted I thought to myself "this all seems pretty normal, when is this going to kick in?" After a while I was wondering if it ever would. Then, staring at the night sky, I saw a plane flying beneath the stars moving at a steady pace, but just behind it was another plane moving at the exact same trajectory and pace. This struck me as slightly odd at the time but I shrugged it off until the stars themselves began spinning like pinwheels in a windy yard. This realization that the trip had most certainly begun, I perceived a myriad of new sights and sounds that I could go into great detail on. This is what I would like to see from this poem because it has a lot of potential to deliver YOUR "trip" experience in a way that makes the reader feel like they are experiencing it too.
Stanza three is a good starting point for the experience and "laminated" is a cool description of the surfaces. I've experienced my surroundings like a Monet painting on a trip before which was the closest I've come to relating to stanza 3. Light itself has a ton of possible descriptions and metaphors you could use to breathe more life into the poem. Keep going, I feel like there is a long journey left to share that you are only scratching the surface of! Take us there!
Stanza 2 really adds a lightheartedness to the experience because it is shared with another while providing the launching point for the trip. I do think you could come up with a more impactful line than "we stopped thinking altogether" to essentially say "we started tripping out;" there are SO many descriptive words you can use to say what you were thinking, or feeling (if you want to play off of "I think I feel something". This stanza took me back to a music festival I was at with my girlfriend where I tried acid for the first time; as the band started playing and the stage-lights erupted I thought to myself "this all seems pretty normal, when is this going to kick in?" After a while I was wondering if it ever would. Then, staring at the night sky, I saw a plane flying beneath the stars moving at a steady pace, but just behind it was another plane moving at the exact same trajectory and pace. This struck me as slightly odd at the time but I shrugged it off until the stars themselves began spinning like pinwheels in a windy yard. This realization that the trip had most certainly begun, I perceived a myriad of new sights and sounds that I could go into great detail on. This is what I would like to see from this poem because it has a lot of potential to deliver YOUR "trip" experience in a way that makes the reader feel like they are experiencing it too.
Stanza three is a good starting point for the experience and "laminated" is a cool description of the surfaces. I've experienced my surroundings like a Monet painting on a trip before which was the closest I've come to relating to stanza 3. Light itself has a ton of possible descriptions and metaphors you could use to breathe more life into the poem. Keep going, I feel like there is a long journey left to share that you are only scratching the surface of! Take us there!