03-10-2015, 06:25 AM
(03-10-2015, 05:59 AM)Wjames Wrote: For the first half hour we sat in a field,the first two stanzas are very well observed and gave me a chuckle. I like the idea of surfaces becoming laminated; however, I think discribing an halucination is a bit like listening to someone tell you about a dream they had... pretty boring for anyone that didn't have the dream. In which case, I would like another level to the poem, something that the lamination of surfaces joined onto in concept. The last two lines are weak at best. It is supposed to create the image of the hallucination, yet it doesn't, it simply confuses it, as if by putting it into abstract language it somehow creates an image of that strangeness. Again, it doesn't. The logical question of 'what is shining from all angles?' stops any image, then logic kicks in, and at that point the poem is lost.
convinced each stray thought was the first ripple of the trip.
We took turns saying “I think I feel something”, until eventually,
we stopped thinking altogether.
Gradually, each surface seemed to become laminated:
sunlight bouncing with every movement,
shining from all angles.
I wrote something about a series of hallucinations and I tried to do two things with it, 1) always try to have something else going on that could give the piece bones, and 2) no matter how strange the experience, try to make it concrete (for example, 'each surface became laminated' [ and drop the 'seemed'].
having said that, and back to the first two, it is a really good expression of that 'is this it' moment... and fields, for some strange reason
