03-09-2015, 11:09 AM
Ambrosial,
I enjoyed the light joking in your poem. If you wrote the piece with someone particular in mind, you should edit it and show it to them!
The image of a "shanty town mind" captured the disorganized state of the subject of the apostrophe, but it needs backing from the rest of the poem. A foundation is not the first thing that comes to mind for a shanty town. Instead, the image might include stray dogs and dirt floors. The earthquake is a good match for the shanty town image. Still, you should strengthen the verb choice "emanated".
Since the poem is only seven lines for the seven tranquilizers, I would keep the tense the same. The two endstops in the second stanza also need reworking into an upbeat ending. Right now, it feels like feet-dragging in a fencing contest.
Good luck,
Clark
I enjoyed the light joking in your poem. If you wrote the piece with someone particular in mind, you should edit it and show it to them!
The image of a "shanty town mind" captured the disorganized state of the subject of the apostrophe, but it needs backing from the rest of the poem. A foundation is not the first thing that comes to mind for a shanty town. Instead, the image might include stray dogs and dirt floors. The earthquake is a good match for the shanty town image. Still, you should strengthen the verb choice "emanated".
Since the poem is only seven lines for the seven tranquilizers, I would keep the tense the same. The two endstops in the second stanza also need reworking into an upbeat ending. Right now, it feels like feet-dragging in a fencing contest.
Good luck,
Clark